February 25, 2003
A Very Special Sneak Peak at the Upcoming Saddam Hussein/ George W. Bush Debate

CBS News reports that Saddam Hussein refuses to destroy those missiles of his and instead wants a one-on-one "dialogue" or debate with George W. Bush. Although I have thought the whole deal would best be resolved by single combat (kinda like that scene from Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid), I think a debate is the perfect antidote to the whole /U.S. mess -- not to mention that it solves another enormous problem -- it gives people something to watch now that "Joe Millionaire" is over.

That debate would be something like this:

President Bush: We know what a disarmed country looks like and, uh . . . doesn't look like that.

Saddam Hussein: [long muttering in Arabic]

Interpreter: You have big stupid ears that stick out strangely from your ugly American face.

President Bush: I didn't come all the way here just to stand up and be insulted.

Saddam Hussein: [quick, deft rattling off of Arabic]

Interpreter: That's fine. You can sit down in this comfortable chair over here and I'll start over.

Powell: Boys, boys. . . .

Hours later, after a tense, behind closed-doors meeting, Bush and Saddam will come out of the room awkwardly touching and friendly.

President Bush: (sheepishly) We realize that we actually have a lot in common. . . . He has weapons of mass destruction, I have weapons of mass destruction . . . He tried to kill my Daddy, my Daddy tried to kill him. The world is really such a small place. We've said some things to each other maybe we shouldn't of and we've used some harsh words. Things got a little outta hand. And maybe we were both kinda having trouble backing down. And then I was reminded of Isaiah . . .

Journalist: The bible passage?

President Bush: No, just this guy we both know. Anyway (blushes, shifts weight uncomfortably), let's see if we can just put this whole mess behind us and start again. Life is too short. (to Saddam) I'm sorry I called you a big fat evil insane powerhungry dictator guy.

Saddam: I'm very soggy.

[They shake hands, awkwardly pat each other on the shoulder. ]

Saddam rattles something off in Arabic.

Interpreter: We're touching but that doesn't mean we're like, gay.

Bush laughs, winks, points finger.

Jacques Chirac: (tearfully smiling and hugging everyone) I am SO happy!

Posted by Tom Burka at 12:04 AM in News