Iraqi Opposition Apparently Uninformed of End of Hostilities

U.S. Commander Lt. Gen. David McKiernan today said he had realized that the Iraqi war was still going on. Vital clues included the continuing deaths of U.S. soldiers due to opposition sorties and a smack on the head from Staff Sergeant Minnie Dubloon.

It also dawned on those few U.S. generals and colonels that they would have to call back many of the troops the U.S. had just spent millions of dollars sending back home, placing them back in harm's way.

"We'll probably need some of them tanks and missiles and stuff, too," said Sgt. Omar "Tecumseh" Bradley of Maine. "It would be totally hard to fight this war without them thangs."

Some were quick to point fingers and other quick to point rifles, depending on how exposed their positions were. "I sure am glad that we have such great armed forces," said Private Irving Ukulele, who wished to remain unidentified for this article. "Because our leadership sure sucks."

Smokes Cigarette Outside Of Oval Office Afterwards

During President's Bush's signing of an enormous $350 billion tax cut bill, Rove suddenly emitted a low moan, gave a gasp of pleasure, and shouted, "YES, YES, YES!" just as the President put his pen to the paper.

After the ceremony, Rove took the bill into his private office for "some quality time."

Rove later claimed that he had had a "religious experience" and refused to talk further about it.

Two-Hour Campaign Commercial Most Frightening Film Ever

The Big Dance, a cross between Frankenstein and War of the Worlds, is about a powermad dictator who hijacks the U.S. government, hypnotizes the people and installs a dumb non-elected idiot in the White House who will do his bidding. Timothy Bottoms will play the willing puppet of a crazed Machiavellian schemer who capitalizes on the worst tragedy in American history to maintain power, and plunges the world into war for personal gain while forsaking all at home except for the few privileged rich he needs to keep him and his schemes alive.

"I've never seen anything so scary," boasted Tod Schmeckman, of Showtime Films. "This film will literally make your blood congeal." He went on to say the film was "kind of like Pinky and the Brain but much grimmer: Pinky is much more presentable, wears suits with expensive ties, and works out a lot, so he stays in shape and plays well to cameras. The Brain is far more frightening than his cartoon counterpart -- he doesn't have the fantastic voice of Orson Wells, and he's diabolically smarter. Even spookier, he stays completely behind the scenes, a terrifying unseen presence, like the ghosts in The Haunting, but much, much more -- did I say terrifying?"

The film also utilizes Karl Rove-a-vision® , an immersive interactive technique where viewers are placed under electronically controlled Scottish sweaters and chains, so that at critical points in the story, their chains are yanked and the wool is pulled over their eyes.

Screenwriter Lionel Chetwynd, writer of the award-winning drama movie The Apprenticeship of Duddy Kravitz, said, "I always wanted to do horror. It wasn't until the Bush Administration that the right material came along to do it with."

Thanks to Eric Tam of Antidotal for his tip about the film.

President Bush has kicked off his campaign for reelection with an appeal for cash in his first fundraising letter to a million prospective cash wranglers. In the letter, President Bush said that the election "could be close," so he needs piles and piles of money; excess cash, if any, will be raked into excess piles that donors can jump into, a popular mid-November GOP sport.

The letter set out to "incentivise" fundraisers by, among other things, awarding them fancy titles: Anyone who raises $50,000 will be called a "Pathfinder;" anyone who raises $100,000 will be called a "Man of Yale;" anyone who raises $200,000 will be called an "Industry Lobbyist;" anyone who raises $500,000 will be called a "Monopolist;" and anyone who raises more than $500,000 will be called "Kenneth Lay."

Additionally, select photo sets and valuable items will be given to the most successful fundraisers, among these being:

• Codpiece signed by President Bush in the Lincoln bedroom and worn by President Bush on the deck of the U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln;
• Codpiece worn by President Bush in the Lincoln Bedroom and signed by Laura Bush on the deck of the U.S.S. Ronald Reagan;
• An autographed picture of President Bush watching football on TV, holding a pretzel;
• Autographed photo of young W. driving into a ditch in 1976; and
• An autographed photo of President W. driving America into a ditch in 2003.

Millionaires Call Dishes "Absolutely Divine"

Karl Rove is kicking President Bush's fundraising activities into high gear, featuring a raft of spectacular events that monied corporate interests and wealthy financiers just can't miss. Coming up soon is a $5000 a plate meal featuring the finest cuisine Republicans have to offer.

First CourseCarpaccio of Disenfranchised Minorityserved with a variety of corporate capers, picked fresh from the exploits of Enron, Global Crossing, Halliburton, and drizzled with Harken Energy oil

Second CourseGlazed-over Gaze of Average Americanserved under a reduction of diversified and unbiased media
Third CourseFilet of Middle Class Taxpayerlightly seared, gently cajoled, cradled in a bed of insincere promises and propelled by a subtle distillation of fear
DessertPoor Man's Soufflesoaked by the essence of Privileges of the Very Rich

Feels Safer Than Ever

"With breathtaking clarity of vision and great ingenuity," Tom Ridge noted at a congratulatory press conference, "Judge William Crosbie has uncovered a sly and ingenious device for the detection of terrorrists living among us. It is with this in mind that I have created the Bureau of Civilian Inquisition.

Tom Ridge was praising a new tool in the fight against terrorism invented by Judge Crosbie, who capably deployed it in his courtroom in Tarrytown, New York.

Judge Crosbie was presiding in Tarrytown's village court when Anisa Khoder, a 46-year-old American citizen of Lebanese descent came before him to challenge the validity of two parking tickets. That's when Judge Crosbie leapt into action.

"Are you a terrorist?" Judge Crosbie asked. He now recalls he may have pointed an accusing finger at her and announced, in a loud clear voice, "J'accuse!"

Khoder fainted dead away, undoubtedly from the shock of having her terrible secret revealed. She was immediately spirited to an undisclosed location for interrogation; whatever her fate, authorities have been careful to point out that she will still have to take care of those two parking tickets.

Ridge, who demonstrated the technique for reporters, will be stocking the newly created Bureau with Will Parker, Beth Parker and Sam Parker, a family known for its great curiosity. The Parkers -- known for their large probosci -- will roam the countryside, asking those they encounter, "Are YOU a terrorist?" Anyone who answers yes or faints dead away will be placed in federal custody.

In the wake of Christy Todd Whitman's recent announcement that she was resigning from the Bush Administration so she could "spend more time with her own family," it was discovered that Karen Hughes, who had retired from the White House staff to spend more time with her own family, was mistakenly living with Norman and Brenda Kildare and their three children in Eastern Kentucky.

"We didn't know who she was," said Mrs. Kildare. "But she was just so well organized and everything that we were afraid to ask her to leave."

Rumsfeld and Cheney denied rumors that they were thinking of leaving their jobs.

"The last thing I'd want to do," said Cheney, "is spend more time with my own family."

"And I think they feel the same way," he added.

Anonymous sources from terrorist groups indicated that they had increased the likelihood of committing a terrorist act because of what they called "an incredible rise in the level of punditry and unfounded speculation" detected on MSNBC, CNN, Fox, and the Cartoon Network.

An unidentified source named Hamid Baq-ti-qar Amith, a member of al Qaeda, said, "We cannot take it anymore. This Chris Matthews with his Hard Ball is making us crazy. These Fox news people with their reporting and deciding have us climbing the walls. Someone must silence this Geraldo man. The violence must be stopped!"

Cable news networks declined to comment or speculate about the nexis between 24/7 news "coverage" and any increase in terorrorist activity. However, they did ask Ann Coulter to appear on MSNBC at 7:00 p.m. tonight to discuss the question with Greta Van Susterin, Bill O'Reilly, James Carville, Jeffrey Toobin, a host of former government officials and armed forces retirees, John Gleeson (author of "Cable News Networks, the Five Second News Cycle, and You"), and Jerry Mathers.

Numerous suicide bombings in Israel are significantly deterring efforts to stop suicide bombings in Israel.

"If this war would just stop, we could get down to the business of negotiating the end of it," said Ariel Sharon today, after he cancelled a planned trip to meet with President Bush to discuss plans to make trips to discuss negotiations for peace with the Palestinians.

Rejects "Process," "Plan" "Schedule of Interim Goals," "Itinerary," "Agenda" As Metaphors For "Diplomatic Initiative"

President Bush today declared that he was dedicated to the "road map" as the phrase he will use to connote his otherwise undescribed plan for acheiving peace in the Middle East.

"We talked about a plan," said Bush, "and some other words. But 'Road Map' is much better, because it sounds like we know where we have to go and how to get to it."

Bush added that the stream of rhetorical metaphors which come from the phrase "road map" make it all the more enticing as an emblematic phrase: "We can say 'it's a bumpy road,' we've come upon an 'obstacle' on the road to peace, we're making an 'unscheduled U-turn' on the way to peace, 'there's a signpost up ahead,' that kind of thing. It always sounds like we're making progress -- 'coming a few clicks closer to peace' -- no matter what happens. It doesn't even matter whether we get these guys to meet, or talk, or agree upon anything. We've got a road map. They can follow the route we've charted or they can drive right off the road, but at least we can claim we've shown them the way."

Ari Fleischer, the erstwhile press secretary famous for his deadpan delivery of Bush Administration bon mots, drollery and outright evasion -- which he comically called "information" -- today announced his pending resignation this coming summer. Fleischer stated that, after mastering the task of saying as many as twenty-eight completely contradictory things in one day, sometimes in as little as one hour, and often going for days answering hundreds of questions without providing even one meager sliver of information, he was either going to take a well-deserved rest, or he wasn't.

Asked about whether he was going to work in the private sector and whether he had yet received any job offers, Fleischer said, "That's certainly a question that we'll all want to know the answer to, and about which anyone would naturally be curious, and I'm sure the information will be made available as soon as we can get that out to you."

Fleischer did say that if it was a really hot summer he might try to see how many eggs he could fry on the top of his head "for a lark."

Although he was seen wearing a "Baghdad Ari?' t-shirt at a recent White House barbeque, Fleischer refused to answer questions relating to the upcoming opening for a Minister of Information in a soon-to-be-formed Iraqi democracy.

"I'll have to get back to you on that," Fleischer told reporters.

Iraqis Complain "Nothing To Spend It On"

U.S. forces desperate to stop the tide of Iraqi looting and unrest despairingly offered each Iraqi 40 dollars if they would just "shut up and accept democracy already."

Iraqis complained about the payoff, saying they should hold out for at least a nice DVD player or "quality watch."

Baghdad resident Sahab Sharifi complained that the settlement was not acceptable to him because "the stores have nothing left to buy," and that, in any event, there was no electricity available to run "even the cheapest of toaster ovens." He also mentioned his belief that, in America, you could get more valuable items for opening a bank account. Sharifi said, "This would be true here, as well, if any of the banks were still operating."

According to U.S. News and World Report, Barney, President Bush's black scotty, refuses to listen to President Bush's commands, and "rarely plays with Bush."

Barney explained, "I am so sick of dubya bringing that damn ball to me, wagging his tail, expecting me to throw it again." Barney continued, "He always has this big goofy grin and slobbers over everything. He disgusts me. It has nothing to do with my being black."

Barney dismissed the idea of spending more time with Bush. "Look, I have better things to do than lead that dope around by the nose all the time. Do I look like Karl Rove?'" Barney sniffed. "I'm very busy. I'm trying to solve this dog longevity thing. There must be a way for intelligent animals like myself to outlive morons."

Barney's ears dropped and his tail was listless. "Life isn't fair," he said. "There are good people with bad hearts who can't afford to get cardiac caths every two years like Dick . Good dogs get worms. When you scratch my belly, no matter how damn smart I am, my leg goes up and down like I have freaking palsy."

Nobel Laureate and renowned genius Professor Richard Cheney, famed for ending the world's dependence on fossil fuels by inventing the button-sized fusion cell and revered for ushering in an era of world peace and prosperity, today fired up his newest invention -- a device capable of retrieving visual information from what he believes to be alternate and parallel universes -- and was thoroughly stunned to discover newspaper accounts of his longtime friendship with Donald Rumsfeld. Professor 's Cheney's blood congealed as he read about his vice-presidential alter-ego:

It is part of Washington lore that Donald Rumsfeld gave young Dick Cheney his start in government, hiring him as an assistant in the Nixon administration.

But Mr. Cheney revealed today that 35 years ago, when Mr. Rumsfeld was still a congressman, he flunked his first interview with the man who would eventually become his mentor, boss and hawkish ally.

"It was clear that we hadn't hit it off," the vice president said of his ill-fated 15-minute meeting in Mr. Rumsfeld's Capitol Hill office in 1968. "He thought I was some kind of airhead academic, and I thought he was rather an arrogant young member of Congress."

Professor Cheney stated: "I remember that meeting. Rumsfeld was an arrogant young man and now he's an arrogant and unrepentant convict." Reading of a purported 35-year long relationship with Rumsfeld, Professor Cheney added, "I don't know what bothers me more, my friendship with Rumsfeld or that that crook Nixon was President. I want to puke."

Professor Cheney, known for his glowing, positive demeanor and a joie de vivre that is the envy of all, not to mention his phenomenal health, has never been so publicly demoralized. "In this other world," Professor Cheney said, "I'm a penny-pinching miser bent on destroying the environment just so I can make a few lousy bucks. I am arrogant, my friends are arrogant, and we are bent on world domination. No wonder this other Cheney has heart trouble."

Today, U.S.Administrator Paul Bremer adopted a new policy to combat crime in Iraq permitting U.S. forces to try and sentence alleged criminals as soon as, or even before, they have been taken into custody. To speed up the process, which can normally take as long as ten minutes, U.S. forces will execute sentence first, shooting and killing alleged criminals, and hold the trials afterward. Families of suspects who are acquitted will receive stunning floral bouquets.

Bremer called this a "more muscular" approach to crime fighting. He said that he had rejected an "intestinal" approach, a "monosylabic" approach, a "gesticular" approach, an "aerodynamic" approach, and a "septicemic" approach before settling on "muscularity" as the buzzword for his plan.

Iraqis took comfort in the thought that the tide of violence and anarchy awash in the streets of Baghdad since Saddam's ouster would soon be stemmed by roving groups of U.S. soldiers firing at them willy-nilly.

Retired U.S. General Jay Garner was visibly unsettled when he was demoted from the position of U.S. Administrator of Iraq to shoulder rest at the press conferences of the new administrator, civilian Paul Bremer III.

"It's humiliating," said Garner.

At Bremer's first press conference, Garner was asked to prop up the arm of television news reporter Hans Needleman of WZID, so Needleman could position his tape recorder microphone in front of Bremer before playing his tape over the phone to his boss back in Cornhaven, Idaho.

Reporters later asked Garner who he was, and why he was looked like Harvey Keitel playing a disgruntled assassin in Reservoir Dogs, but without the nice suit.

Today, U.S. officials announced to feeble-minded Americans and President Bush that "Dr. Germ’" had surrendered in Baghdad. "Dr. Germ" is Dr. Rihab Taha, the scientist alleged to have been the leader of Iraq's biological weapons program. Today, Condoleeza Rice, whom President Bush calls "Professor," informed the President that "Dr. Germ" was in custody but that the whereabouts of "Mr. Dictator" were still unknown. President Bush learned of the incident while he was using "Mr. Fork" and "Mr. Knife" to eat his lunch.

The infamous Colonel Mustard, chief of Iraq's chemical weapons program and a suspect in a number of killings in ballrooms, libraries, studies, and conservatories all over the world, remains unapprehended, although it is rumored that a lead pipe and a candlestick were found suspiciously near a knife, pistol and rope in a secret passageway connecting two rooms in one of Baghdad's Presidential Palaces.

Secretary of State Donald Rumsfeld, whom the President knows as "Mary Ann," had no comment.

Yesterday, a bitter dispute broke out between Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon and Palestinian Prime Minister Mahmoud Abbas over whether to take an immediate left turn, or stop at the next service plaza and ask directions on the way to peace. At last report, the pair had pulled over to the side of the road to once again examine the road map.

Sharon insists on taking the Interstate at least as far as the West bank, but Abbas want to take backroads to avoid traffic. "The Interstate gets completely backed up this time of year," said Abbas. shaking his head in frustration. "It's crazy," he told Sharon. "We'll just be sitting there, inching ahead, barely moving -- we'll get stuck there a million miles from an offramp, I know it."

"Many of these roads are not even on the map, as far as I can see," Sharon replied. "We're just going to get lost."

Among other disagreements the parties have encountered are who gets to drive, who gets to ride shotgun, and whether to listen to Kelly Clarkson's "Thankful" CD (Sharon) or Duran Duran (Abbas) during the trip.

Finally, Secretary of State Colin Powell's backseat driving has become, according to the Prime Ministers, "intolerable." "I don't think he has a clue about how to get where we're going, but he won't shut up," said Abbas.

Sharon was more direct: "Don't make me reach back there."

Enterprising GOP Congressmen were on a roll, stopping at nothing, working around the clock to get some real work done in Washington. First they're going to raise taxes so they can cut them, then they're going to restore the home of Frederick Douglass, then bulldoze it.

"Since we renamed the French Fry, we've just been on a productive roll unlike anything Americans have seen before," said Dennis Hastert. Future GOP projects include:

• dropping watermelons off of the Capitol dome and then gluing them back together;
• filling up the Grand Canyon with loam and turning it into a stunning golf course, and then "maybe" digging the Canyon again;
• flying to Denver, Colorado and hopping the very next flight back; and
• putting toothpaste back in the tube.

Scientists have discovered a subspecies of hominids which demonstrates "devolution," or the process of a complicated species regressing down the evolutionary chain. The sub-species, called Homo sapiens democraticus, is notable in that, while it retains the characteristics of mammals (mammalia), it has lost the spinal chord or backbone typically found in vertebrates and also lacks the gift of true speech. Said Anthropologist Dr. Norman Brewster, "They gibber somewhat but are largely silent." He added, "There are other ways in which this represents a dramatic differentiation of the species: while they appear to reproduce sexually, as is characteristic of mammals, huge numbers of the subspecies seem totally impotent."

Biologists were also investigating another subspecies, which also has traditionally been classified as human but is quite thick-skulled and lacks the diastema (the space between the teeth that allows the mouth to close) found in all hominids since Australopithecus. This is especially perplexing, said scientists, because this species walks around fully erect. "These animals have permanent hard-ons," said Dr. Brewster. "Moreover, while they reproduce sexually and, in fact, have sex all over the place they are culturally ashamed of the act. Perhaps this is because almost all of them are absolutely terrible in bed." The proposed name for the subsecies is Homo sapiens republicanus. Brewster stated, "Anyone having difficulty pronouncing it should remember this simple rule: The emphasis is placed on the "anus."

Yet again, Senator Robert Byrd shocked his colleagues when he criticized President Bush for using "an aircraft carrier . . . as an advertising backdrop for a presidential political slogan," and made other remarks suggesting that Bush's address on the U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln, as well as his arrival by jet wearing a U.S. Air Force flight suit, was improper. Byrd said that Bush was a "desk-bound president" improperly assuming the "garb of a warrior" to make a campaign commercial.

Upon hearing Byrd's remarks, Congressional democrats wet themselves and fled in a panic from the Capitol, trampling several pages in the process. Unconfirmed reports indicate that Sen. Joseph Lieberman, who is running for President, coughed up a matzoh ball onto the lap of Teddy Kennedy, who found it there several hours later and put it with his golf clubs. Richard Gephardt was said to have become quite pale, but the allegation was impossible to confirm.

Byrd had already frightened his colleagues last year when he voted against the war in , saying that giving the President the authority to go to war in order to help the President resolve the conflict peacefully "was absurd.' Senate Democrats called him "insane," "dangerous," and "wacky."

The only Democratic member of Congress to stay in the Capitol with Byrd was Congressman Henry Waxman, who caused many of his colleagues to throw themselves off of the top of the Congressional Record (Vol. 5, 2003; height of nearly one foot) by asking the GAO to investigate and provide Congress with the cost of President Bush's trip to an aircraft carrier that was so close to the San Diego shoreline, he could have rowed himself out to it.

Full story at Smoky Mountain Journal.

• Always split aces;
• When splitting aces, make sure you're playing blackjack. If you're playing poker, do not split them;
• When playing craps, take the maximum odds allowed;
• When taking craps, do not lay odds.

In three Presidential firsts, George W. Bush was visibly excited after arriving on board the U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln on a S-3 Viking jet wearing a flight suit over the largest codpiece worn by any President in U.S. history. A jet landing on an aircraft carrier is considered to be the most dangerous maneuver a pilot can perform. The pilot flying the jet was told that if he failed to make a successful landing, he would be punished severely, but because an unsuccessful landing constitutes crashing and blowing up, the pilot was simply told that his remains would not be scraped off the back of the carrier if he screwed up.

President Bush decided to arrive by jet at the suggestion of Dick Cheney, who said, "You'll be o.k. as long as you keep your privates covered." Cheney has also suggested that, for future press conferences, national addresses and pubic appearances, the President should:

• jump a motorcycle over ten schoolbuses through a flaming hoop onto a podium;


• strap himself to a stealth fighter which releases him just in time for him to hang glide down into a narrow canyon to land on a dime taped to the floor behind a microphone located in the safe zone of a platform otherwise covered with ten foot tall razor-sharp spikes;


• walk across a tightrope strung between the United Nations and the Empire State Building during a windstorm while carrying two heavy briefcases and balancing a copy of the White House budget on his head; and


• take the place of the football during the opening kick of the next Superbowl game.

Upon the President's return to the White House that evening, Cheney greeted him at the door to the Oval office with a cool drink and a snack.

"Pretzel?" he offered.

Sick, poor, Americans, poorly informed and barely educated, told pollsters even as they choked on rancid air and drank water with god-knows-what in it, told pollsters they thought the President was doing great. A new poll by the Washington Post and ABC News found that Americans think very well of the job President Bush is doing, even though they don't think he's doing a very good job at all. Americans consistently and overwhelmingly decided that Bush was a "strong leader," and they all agreed that he was leading them to lose jobs, money, and government services. 57% of Americans gave Bush low marks for presiding over the only job-losing Presidency other than Hoover's , and that he was doing a horrible job dealing with rising costs of prescription drugs, health care, and insurance. Thus, most of these Americans said, they thought Bush was doing "a pretty good job," and would almost certainly "vote for him again."

Pollsters found the data easy to interpret. Glenn Sandersonsky of Rigby Biweekly Polls said, "These numbers look good, but they could still mean trouble for Bush. Terrorism at the expense of domestic welfare could be the big issue that drives the G.O.P. into the hole here or, it could be the issue that saves them from the disastrous economy, as in the previous midterms. Democrats may be able to use the economy and Bush's foreign policies to sink him; then again, the way they handle it may give Bush little floaties that help him to swim. I have to go now. I'm betting on some horses."