Clinton Formula, Mask Only Winning Option, Says DLC

The moderate Democratic Leadership Council warned the Democratic Party today that it was in danger of leaning to the far left and "not even resembling the Republican Party one little bit."

"If they don't co-opt some of the Republican positions, they lose," said DLC stalwart Darren Schmaggeggi, who claims to have scripted Clinton's wins in 1992 and 1996. "All this talk about antiwar, pro-gay is very dangerous. People are gonna think Democrats are a bunch of pansy homos. Pansy homos cannot get elected in this country."

Of the current crop of Democratic hopefuls, Schmaggeggi praised Joe Lieberman the most. "He knows what he's doing. He's the Jewish Clinton. Except that, if he were to fool around with cigars, they'd be circumsized, I guess."

Schmaggeggi suggested that one of the key issues on the Democratic platform should be welfare reform. He shrugged off criticism that Clinton had taken welfare reform off the table by pushing through the most sweeping welfare reform of the past century. "Welfare reform is always popular. Gives you a chance to paint the poor as lazy folks just hoping for handouts. You get the racist vote, you immediately appeal to wealthy corporate types who think they've worked for a living," he said. "The swing Republicans."

The internal debate amongst party members caused by Clinton's past successes highlighted again the fact that Democrats are simply at a loss as to precisely what formula they should adopt to lose the coming 2004 election.

Later that day, Carley Tisk, a campaign consultant to Joe Lieberman mused, "The rubber mask may be a damn good idea. . . ."