Precious Resources Diverted To Fight Against "Phantom Foe"

For the past 18 months, the hunt for al Qaeda and bin Laden was starved for resources that had been diverted to mounting a no-holds-barred offensive against a shadowy opponent that GOP members claimed "threatened the very security of the American nation."

That enemy was Senate Democrats, according to a report filed by the Senate Sergeant-at-Arms today.

According to the report, GOP aides diverted resources from the hunt for Osama to engage in unauthorized and possibly illegal spying on Senate Democrats in what they are now calling "a war of necessity."

Orrin Hatch assailed the practice, saying he was "shocked -- shocked" to hear of it -- and added that he "couldn't believe that William Bennett was gambling either."

Hatch and other Senate Republicans were pleased that, despite the unpleasantness, crucial resources diverted to the "secret war" have now been freed up, and "finally the U.S. can start hunting Osama 24/7."

"Concentrating all our resources on searching for bin Laden every hour of every day is a great idea," said White House spokesperson Squid Molineaux. "I wonder why we didn't think of it before?"