Conservatives across the country are complaining vehemently about what they called "the countless and innumerable inaccuracies" of Michael Moore's documentary and polemic film, "Fahrenheit 9/11."

"For one thing, the title is intensely misleading," said Spartelby Fisk, a Republican gnome. "It has nothing to do with heat. It's a crock."

Fisk said that the film is a travesty. "For one thing, early in the film, President Bush moves in slow motion. President Bush has never moved in slow motion. This is just an out-and-out lie."

At several points Bush is shown in freeze frame. "He's never been that motionless," said Fisk. "This film is utterly dishonest."

Fisk also derided Moore for depicting Bush as "pasty" and "beady-eyed," and oft-times blurry and out-of-focus. "The President has always been distinct and clearly-defined," said Fisk.

In a private conversation, Karl Rove was heard to disagree. "I would never allow President Bush to be seen clearly by the American people. Good lord, how would I ever get anybody to vote for him?"