Every year, I try to gussy up the place here to reflect the holiday spirit, get some fancy java-run animated reindeer and so on, and every year, instead of adding some decent graphics, I ask you to simply close and open your eyes rapidly and imagine twinkling red and green lights. Isn't that pretty?

Christmas is the day the crew at OYSH open up our presents: the letters and packages in the holiday mailbag! We've tried to answer your most vexing questions.

If Santa knows whether you've been naughty or nice, how is he different than John Ashcroft?

Santa never lost an election to a dead man. Santa likes statues of naked chicks. Santa is a snappier dresser. Santa doesn't write crappy songs. I could go on all day.

If you're so smart, how come you're not President?

I don't know. I wasn't elected either. It hardly seems fair. I say all those who weren't elected President should take turns running the country. I call the Lincoln bedroom.

Is Wolfowitz an elf?

Yes, but a very angry elf.

Is a Christmas card that says "Peace on Earth" unpatriotic?

If you have to ask, you're this close to being indicted.

What is a blog? What is a blob?

There is no spoon.

Is eggnog good for you?

Not if it's got mad eggnog disease.

Can I enjoy Christmas with my family, knowing that Dick is suffering?

This is a trick question.

When Tom Ridge mentions homeland security should I worry?

Yes. You should worry.

Why does Santa have a beard. I thought only evil doers like Saddam, Castro and bin Laden had them? Should I let him in my house?

All I know is that Lorne Green is, like, the devil. Does he have a beard?

This is just the top of the mailbag. More later. Happy Holidays!