June 14, 2004
Uncle Don Needs You

Recruiters Try New Tactics to Sell Wartime Army - [W]ith the Army's presence in Iraq and Afghanistan continuing, with plans for a temporary increase of 30,000 troops in the Army's reserve, and with soldiers' tours being extended in Iraq, a top Pentagon official this month expressed concern about military recruiting in the years ahead.
Join the Army! See the world! See a tiny part of the world. Explore exciting new opportunities while drinking hot water in 120 degree heat and using dogs in ways you had never anticipated. Learn the fantastic virtue of patience by watching the end of your tour get extended and extended -- seemingly forever!

Learn to love rejection. Remember those pesky relatives who come to visit you but never ever really leave? Be one of them.

Facing a long term jail sentence? You don't have to! Today's Army needs convicted felons like you to round out our, uh, glockenspiel band.

And don't go into combat alone. Bring a friend! Bring two! Bring the whole family! Our "buddy" option lets you enlist with someone you like, and who likes you (But not "that way," okay?). Nothing cements the bond of friendship than the truly unique ritual of dragging your pal to safety after he's been fragged.

Has your boyfriend/wife/lover been cheating/neglectful/clinging like a barnacle that can only be surgically removed? What better way to forget than to do eight weeks of glorious, relationship-free basic training, followed by an assignment overseas. Chances are, you won't even go to Iraq. You could go to South Korea or Germany instead. For at least a week, maybe.

It doesn't get any any better than this! It really doesn't. Sign up today!

Warning: Following orders may lead to unwanted media attention, prison sentences, and international vilification. In the event that you are wounded, medical attention and travel expenses may cost extra. You may need to provide your own equipment. Digital cameras, laptop computers, pencils and paper may be confiscated. Your memory may be subject to periodic revision. Although term of service may nominally be limited to fifteen months, you may be required to stay in the military until death or permanent disability. Coupons may not be honored. Some restrictions may apply. Get a haircut.

Posted by Tom Burka at 12:04 PM in News