July 30, 2003
Terrorist Futures Market Scrapped By Wimpy White House; OpYoShHa Opens Trading Market Anyway
It was an idea too good for its time: predicting terrorist behavior by running a futures market for investors. The Policy Analysis Project, part of the Pentagon FutureMap Plan, was canned by Bush Administration officials who were smart enough to endorse the project initially but too cowardly to proceed with its grand vision once a few whiners complained that it was "gruesome" and "a national embarrassment."
We at Opinions You Should Have applaud the White House's continued employment of wunderkind Admiral John Poindexter, a man whose brilliance is only matched by his unchallenged integrity. After all, his perjury conviction for lying to Congress was eventually reversed.
We're not going to let a good thing pass us by. If the White House won't run it, we will.
(Hit the "But Seriously" Button To See Today's Stock Offerings)
Movers and Losers in Today's Market
|Bin Laden Is Toast||BLT||$00.01||-95%|
|Bin Laden Will Buy Huge Gold Medallion Studded With 100 Small Perfect Diamonds That Spell Out DEF BIN L.D.N||BOLD||$365.01||+95%|
|Eiffel Tower Fire||ETCF||$32.01||+15%|
|Bush Sets French Restaurant On Fire||FLMR||$245.01||+45%|
|Iraq Democracy Created||SNSF||$1.32||-15%|
|Iraq Becomes Fundamentalist Moslem State||ONOAFMS||$745.32||+95%|
|Denny's Opens Store In Downtown Baghdad||DBGD||$325.46||+75%|
|Denny's Looted, Burned||DLB||$562.31||+75%|
|Jessie Ventura Heads New American-run Iraqi Administration, Brings Stone Cold Steve Austin, Mankind; Iraqis Worship Them As Gods||WWW||$2000.01||+205%|
|Admiral Poindexter Becomes Secretary of State; Immediately Bets Heavily On Self ||DITZ||$362.02||-95%|
|Bush Trades Lockbox For Sentimental Favorite: the Slushfund||NXN||$5525||+346%|
|Homeland Security Department Spends 500 million to Fully Secure All Ports||APS||$22.50||-15%|
|Homeland Security Department Spends $1000 To Put Signs At All Ports Saying "SECURED"||APSF||$922||+45%|
|Bush Spends Nuclear Winter in Florida||JEB||$657||+95%|
Posted by Tom Burka at 4:51 PM