March 29, 2003
Rumsfeld Confuses Situation Room With TIVO, Attempts to "Pause" and "Rewind" War

Today, Donald Rumsfeld sent White House workers into complete disarray by attempting to "pause" the war to take a phone call from his niece while going downstairs to get some ice for his Coke. Rumsfeld repeatedly punched several buttons on what he believed to be the "remote" -- but which was in fact an electronic handheld joker poker game left there by President Bush the preceding day.

"This dadblasted piece of crap doesn't work for shit," he said. "And where did all these kings come from?"

Rumsfield then issued orders to "rewind" the push toward Bagdad and is apparently negotiating with Lucasfilm and Industrial Light and Magic to digitally insert 150,000 more troops near Nasiriyah.

(In a related story, George Lucas expressed disgust that 250,000 actual American soldiers had been ordered to engage in the war with , saying that he could have done it "with a bare handful of extras, digitally reproduced and multiplied to resemble an enormous horde of invading Americans." Upon being pressed, Lucas admitted that he would probably need one or two principals, "but nobody pricey." He also expressed dismay about the location. "You don't need at all -- Tunisia would have done fine." He also would have saved billions of dollars by getting the location shots with a second unit and fighting the rest of the war in a studio. "The savings?" said Lucas. "At least $74.9 billion.")

Posted by Tom Burka at 6:58 PM in News