November 29, 2004
Massive Debt Problem To be Solved By Incredibly Massive Borrowing, Says Bush
President Bush, trying to protect Social Security benefits in the wake of the record $ 7.5 trillion dollar deficit incurred during his administration, promised to borrow "at least a couple billion more" to fix things.
"We're going to borrow more money than a body can possibly imagine," said Bush. "We're gonna take that enormous wad of cash and plug it right into what cynical people are calling 'that gaping whole in the budget.' And that'll save Social Security."
"It may not seem like the right thing to do in the short term, but in the long term, rich people will be thanking me for it," he added.
John Snow, the Secretary of the Treasury, explained the plan, saying, "Sometimes you have to borrow money to make money. It's Keynesian."
President Bush brushed off claims that he was more interested in destroying Social Security than saving it. "Son," he winked. "Around here we use the word 'reform.'"
November 25, 2004
GOP Furious That Gay Cartoon Character Leads Thanksgiving Day Parade
Propose Constitutional Amendment Against "Thanksgiving Gay Parades"
A gay Spongebob eyes a new candidate for unnatural marriage.
Republican Congressional leaders started off Thanksgiving today outraged that Spongebob Squarepants, who they called "an obviously and flagrantly gay cartoon character" was prominently featured in today's Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.
"Only in New York," said Senator Rick Santorum, who alleged that, since the addition of Spongebob to the parade, he had seen Sesame Street's Grover balloon in unnaturally close proximity to Scooby-Doo's tail.
The allegation that Spongebob Squarepants, a cartoon character who appears on the Nickelodeon TV Network, is homosexual, caused a great deal of controversy among fans. "Spongebob is not gay," said Anita Physic, a viewer from Oklahoma. "He's just a kid, really."
Republicans scoffed at the assertion. "Oh, please," said Santorum. "It's obvious. He lives in a pineapple under the sea."
Wishing You A Happy "Opinions You Should Have" Thanksgiving!
Posted by Tom Burka at 10:57 AM
November 22, 2004
Bush To Seek To Revive Intelligence Bill He Blocked
Pledges To Work Harder To Push Agenda He Pulls
President Bush pledged today that he would "take a running start" at crafting an intelligence bill that he will later totally shitcan.
"I am very disappointed that I stopped the intelligence bill from making its way of out committee and I vow to work harder to see that that bill goes farther before I once again make sure that it never becomes law," Bush said, returning to his ranch in Crawford,Texas. Bush said he was planning on clearing the brush in an area that he had grown brush on last week.
The intelligence bill was to enact 9/11 Intelligence Commission recommendations for intelligence reform that Bush had at first decried and then embraced. Bush had earlier opposed the creation of the Commission before calling for its immediate assembly. He then completely stonewalled its investigation until fully cooperating with it.
Bush denied today that he had blocked the intelligence bill on Friday.
"I didn't block it," said Bush. "I asked ranking House leaders to pass it while making absolutely sure that they knew that I didn't want it to be passed," he said. "That's totally different."
Posted by Tom Burka at 10:14 PM
November 16, 2004
Old but Gold
Revisionist Historians Angry At Rice; Vow To Omit Her From Future
Revisionist historians, angry at Condoleezza Rice for casting revisionism in a negative light, threatened to remove her from future history books if she did not retract the reference.
This past Sunday, Rice called accusations against the White House's manipulation of intelligence data "revisionist history," and derided those who were "rewriting history to suggest that the White House went to war because of Hussein's WMD
Professor Demetri Gazpacho, the President of the Revisionist History Association of America (RHAA), pointed out, "Revisionists have simply revised views of history which misrepresent what actually occurred. We recently corrected, for example, an American History textbook which devoted a chapter to the U.S. victory in Vietnam." Ironically, that textbook was in use at one of Rice's old universities, the University of Notre Dame.
"By associating the word "revisionism" with falsehood, Rice is essentially recasting the meaning of revisionism," Gazpacho said.
Gazpacho and his associates were considering how best to deal with Rice's offensive statements. Gazpacho said that the association was debating rewriting Rice out of future history books or perhaps just saying she was part of the Clinton administration. Other options included depicting Rice as an FBI agent at Ruby Ridge or as an American working with the Taliban.
"This was not a smart move,' Gazpacho coldly intoned. "If you're part of history, we're the last people you want to mess with."
Originally published on June 10, 2003.
Posted by Tom Burka at 5:32 PM
Old But Gold
November 15, 2004
Liberal CIA Operatives To Be Designated Enemy Combatants
Natural Extension Of Plame Doctrine, Says Gonzalez
Liberal and openly democratic CIA operatives and analysts are to be designated enemy combatants today and immediately shipped to a detention center in Guantanamo, Cuba, pursuant to orders from the White House that were vetted and approved by counsel Alberto Gonzalez.
"It's a natural extension of what we're now calling the 'Plame doctrine,'" said Gonzales. "We're not just outing them -- we're taking them out."
Gonzalez said that summarily interning liberal and allegedly disloyal employees was not a denial of due process under the Constitution. "Sometimes, when you've got a mandate, the Constitution just doesn't apply," Gonzalez said.
CIA Director Porter Goss, the recently installed former House representative that politicians and media had hailed as a bipartisan Republican willing to work with Democrats, approved the purge. "Although I have worked closely with Democrats in the past," he said, "I've decided that I would rather imprison and interrogate them."
Once in Guantanamo, former CIA operatives are expected to be placed in government-approved "stress positions."
"I'm not sure how this is going to be much different than my CIA job," said liberal intelligence analyst Jocelyn Wexler. "Attempting to provide unbiased intelligence analysis to this administration was already the ultimate stress position."
Posted by Tom Burka at 12:16 PM
November 11, 2004
Opinions You Should Have Salutes The Soldiers
The editors have two close family members who, we thankfully note, served honorably in the United States Armed Forces and did us and their country proud. They both, without the help of any senators whatsoever, enlisted -- and they never missed a day. They are among those many who made, and are making, the real sacrifices that breathe life into the great dream of liberty that is America's truest and greatest foundation.
So: To the soldiers serving, and who have served, a note of thanks. The editors consider themselves lucky: of the Burkas who have served, both Ed and Uncle Al made it back home safe. May the families of American soldiers serving today be fortunate enough to hear the knocks of their returning sons, husbands, wives and daughters on their front doors. The sooner the better.
Posted by Tom Burka at 12:31 PM
November 9, 2004
U.S. Negotiates Complete Start Of Hostilities Against City Of Fallujah
Insurgents Allowed To Leave On Condition That Remaining City Be Bombed To Rubble
In retaliation for insurgents' occupation of Fallujah, U.S. have negotiated the complete escape of all insurgent leaders from the city, in exchange for which U.S and Iraqi forces are to be allowed to bomb the remaining city to rubble. Insurgents also agreed to leave behind a token force of insurgents that U.S. forces can kill, capture, injure, and hound. U.S. representatives declined to reveal the number of civilian casualties that insurgents and U.S. forces agreed upon.
"This is a great victory for U.S diplomacy," said Donald Rumsfeld. "We have a negotiated a complete begin-to-fire with the rebels."
The United States also engaged in successful negotiations with Iraqi Prime Minister Iyad Allawi regarding the name of the fairly useless exercise in beating the hell of a relatively undefended town. Initially, U.S. forces wanted to call the mission "Operation Phantom Fury," while Iraqis wished to call it "Operation Dawn." Eventually the U.S. agreed to call the mission "Operation Phantom Fury," in exchange for which the Iraqi government could tell Iraqis that, translated into Arabic, that means "Operation Dawn."
Posted by Tom Burka at 10:06 AM
November 5, 2004
White House Claims Mandate By Whole Half Of Nation
The White House claimed yesterday that President Bush had won a mandate in the election on Tuesday. "Our overwhelming support by only half of a bitterly divided nation means that we have been given a fiat to implement the agenda a record number of voters disagreed with," said White House spokesman Scott McClellan.
McClellan acknowledged that in the 2000 election, the Bush administration had not recieved a mandate. "That's why the agenda we pursued in the past four years was so mild," he said.
McCelllan explained that in the next four years, the President was considering implementing policies that he would never have dreamed of pursuing a month ago. "For one thing, we're toying with making people in blue states carry red state people around in rickshaws," he said.
Additionally, because the "will of the people" requires it, members of the White House Press Gallery will heretofore be required to recite an oath of fealty to George W. Bush before entering the briefing room, and there will be no more questions from reporters. "Questions are for administrations that have to answer them," he said.
"This is the way democracy works," said McClellan. "Having a 3 percent edge over the almost 56 million voters who disagree with our policies means that we can do whatever we like.
"Democracy means never having to say you're sorry."
November 3, 2004
Kerry Calls For Grounding Of Youth Of America
Low Turnout Among Youth Vote Means They're "Busted," Democrats Say
In light of the poor showing of the critically important 18 to 29 year old group at the polls yesterday, Democrats and John Kerry was calling for America's youth to be "totally grounded."
I'm not blaming them for my loss," said Kerry. "But I am taking away their car keys."
Experts were at a loss to explain why young voters stayed away from the polls, although they speculated that the cause may have been a backlash from a flood of celebrity get-out-the-vote drives.
"This may definitively show," said Erstwhile Holmes, celebrity biographer, "that P. Diddy is not, actually, 'all that.'"
Others blamed the Xbox and the Playstation 2, which pollsters say 18-29 year olds widely favor over John Kerry and George W. Bush.
Update: I was reacting to initial reports that the same number of 18-29 year olds voted, as a percentage of the electorate (%17), as in the the 2000 election. But, as alert reader Sulayman notes in the comments, this initial report was wrong: there was a sizable increase in the number of voters in this bracket from the year 2000. So, in the words of Emily Litella: never mind.
Posted by Tom Burka at 11:56 AM
November 2, 2004
Abandonment of Mars Program Critical Error in Bush Campaign
Bush Soft On Unnecessary Planetary Exploration, Voters Find
Opinions You Should Have is pleased to announce that the body of this story is featured on the Op-Ed page of the New York Times here.
Posted by Tom Burka at 1:58 PM
November 1, 2004
Bush's Inability To Distance Self From Self A Problem, Republicans Worry
President Bush has been utterly unable to distance himself from what critics call "George W. Bush's presidency," enabling opponent John Kerry to blame virtually all four years of it on him, a crucial mistake in a critically important campaign season.
"If Bush had been able to depict the past four years of his presidency as belonging to someone else, it would have dramatically improved his chances for re-election," said Harry Schmetterer, checkers-player-turned-pundit. "Because he did not, the war on Iraq, the record on the environment, the economy, all of that can be laid to rest at George W. Bush's feet."
In this last week, Karl Rove had intended to reveal his "October Surprise" -- an allegation that someone else, probably Bill Clinton, had actually been President during the past four years. Unfortunately, allegations concerning the theft of 380 tons of powerful explosives from Iraq by terrorists distracted the Bush campaign from pursuing that strategem.
In other news, Bush aides feared that the wolves unveiled in a recent anti-Kerry campaign spot did not sufficiently "frighten the living bejesus" out of voters.
Posted by Tom Burka at 9:28 PM
Dave Johnson's In The House
Dave Johnson of Seeing The Forest, a liberal who knows more about the history of the Republican Party than many Republicans, is helping Joe Trippi and MSNBC keep their hands on the pulse of the blogosphere during the coming election. Dave is blogging at MSNBC's Hardblogger and will be posting his insights and other bloggers' pearls of wisdom over there throughout their Election Day coverage. I've added Hardblogger to the blogroll so we can keep up with him.
Posted by Tom Burka at 9:03 PM