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November 4, 2008
The 2008 OYSH Election Day Voting Guide

Hurry Up and Wait

TWO YEARS. It's been two years of campaigning. The field of Presidential candidates was winnowed to twenty-six people.

You did not stand idly by during all this. You listened to speeches. You suffered through cable news. You watched countless debates. You were there when the twelve Republican candidates fell over themselves telling the GOP electorate how much crueler they would be to illegal immigrants than the guy standing next to them. (The sole exception being, if you can possibly imagine it, John McCain, who was practically booed by his fellow Republicans on the stage when he said you had to think about "human decency." The old John McCain.)

You initially supported Kucinich, in part because of his political stance, in part because he has a really hot wife. They look interesting when they stand together because he's about four feet high and she's six and a half. You continued to support him even when, at one of the debates, he tried to explain his sighting of a UFO when he was the Mayor of Cleveland.

The primaries lasted forever, right up to the summer. McCain ended up the GOP candidate by a process of attritiion. Hillary and Obama supporters stopped speaking to one another. There were twenty-eight debates between Hillary and Obama even though they had almost exactly the same positions on everything. The two would-be nominees spent millions and millions of dollars straining to say how they would close Gitmo differently.

And then the general campaign started.

You were exhausted. You needed a vacation. When you took one, the Democrats held their convention, and when you had to get the kids back to a new year at school, the Republicans held theirs. The GOP became the POP -- the Party of Palin. More debates, more speeches, mudslinging, name calling.

TWO YEARS. After 57 debates, 3027 pundits, 17 anchors, 400 newspaper endorsements and two town hall meetings, the time has finally come for you to


You're going to be waiting today. Because we have fewer voting booths per capita than Iraq has ballot boxes.

Voting Essentials

Lawn chair.

Twelve kinds of ID.

Proof of Residence at Recently Foreclosed Home.

Proust's Remembrance of Things Past.

Laptop, DVDs of "Brideshead Revisited" and small portable generator.

Team of Lawyers (for help with provisional ballot).

401-k (to be shown to Republican standing next to you).

Four pound bag containing daughter's Halloween candy.

Video iPod loaded with Will I. Am's "Yes, We Can," The Who's "Won't Get Fooled Again," and Nixon's "I Am Not A Crook" speech.

Box of Tissues (for occasional bouts of tearful relief that nightmare of past eight years might soon be over).

Proof that Democrats Vote on Tuesday.


"Mission Accomplished" Banner (to be unfurled over voting booth upon finally emerging).

Posted by Tom Burka at 9:44 AM in News