November 14, 2003
GOP Filibuster Causes Dangerous High Winds Throughout Northeast

Hurricane force winds whipped up the northeast today and yesterday, generated by enormous blasts of hot air during the latest Senate filibuster.

GOP senators seemed unconcerned about the dire consequences of their actions as they complained that the Democrats had blocked only 4 (what amounts to 2 per cent) of President Bush's judicial nominees, as opposed to the "collosal job" done by the Republicans in blocking 63, or a whopping 20 percent of Clinton's nominees during his tenor.

"These Democrats just don't have it in them," said a disappointed Rick Santorum.

The nearly forty-hour-long bore-a-thon sent a warm front south and brought 60 mile-an-hour winds northward in a meteorological balancing act that few truly understand. Trees were toppled, temperatures plunged dramatically, and children were blown off of couches and into backyards, far from their television sets.

Orrin Hatch tried to muster some sympathy for the President as fellow congressmen lay on cots "not fit for cats."

"The Democrats are treating the President like dirt," said Hatch, eliciting multiple snores.

It may have come as a surprise to Mr. Hatch that upon hearing his words, somewhere, American citizens shed a tear or two.

They were sad.

They were not weeping for President Bush.

Posted by Tom Burka at 12:43 PM in News