September 5, 2003
Watch out! Democratic Candidates' Debate Causes Homeland Security Alert

The Department of Homeland Secuity issued a terrorist attack advisory due to "a non-spontaneous gathering of Democrats in Albuquerque, New Mexico" today.

"There's no question but that terrorists are far more likely to strike when Democrats are planning to unseat the current President," said a Homeland Security Secretary who wished to remain nameless, Tom Ridge.

"Or during any open debate," added Ridge. "Terrorists love open debate on issues domestic and foreign policy."

"Look, they're planning to hijack our planes!" said Ridge. "Over there!"

Ridge said that he wouldn't raise the terrorist threat level to orange from yellow because he was waiting until September 11 to do that.

"We can't raise it twice in one month," explained Ridge. "Then we'd risk having to raise it past red up to purple or something. Off the scale, anyway."

Reporter Brusque Flatbread of the Mississippi Daily Gamboler asked Ridge how a gathering of Democrats could possibly warrant issuing a threat alert.

"Because of . . . an increase . . . in, uh, chatter. Yeah, that's right. Increase in chatter. Can't say more. "

Ridge then cried, "To the ChickenLittle-Mobile! Away!"

Posted by Tom Burka at 11:18 AM in News