October 20, 2003
American Troops To Be Replaced By Gumby, Judge Dredd, Others
Plan Is To Prevent U.S. Casualties By Shielding Them From U.S. Military Medical Services
Donald Rumsfeld's plan to withdraw 30,000 U.S. troops from Iraq next summer will not result in a festival of rioting, looting, violent crime and stepped-up terrorism because Judge Dredd and other fictional characters will be deployed to the country to replace them, leaked a White House aide.
Judge Dredd, a comic book character who is famous for his ability to unilaterally pursue, capture, try, convict, sentence, and execute felons, is excited about the chance to "whip post-war Iraq into shape." Dredd opined, through his writers, that he would be far more effective controlling crime and waging war than actual, flesh-and-blood soldiers.
Giant-size Gumby and Pokey figurines equipped with large animated M-16's are also being readied for placement all over Baghdad and other key Iraqi hot-spots. Gumby and Pokey declined to be placed in Fallujah, however, because "it's just too dangerous," a Claymation spokesperson said.
Rumsfeld came up with the well-thought-out plan after several seconds of consideration following a call from the White House informing him that Americans are upset that U.S. soldiers continue to be killed or wounded under the peaceful, flourishing democracy that has sprung to life in postwar Iraq.
"The action is also to try and stem the tide of casualties by insulating soldiers from military medical treatment," leaked anonymous White House aide Felton Toesucker.
Rumsfeld would not elaborate on how he expected fictional characters to fill the gap created by withdrawing soldiers from the understaffed U.S. occupation force, but hinted that he was going to speak with Jiminy Cricket.
Word has it Rumsfeld plans to wish upon a star.
Posted by Tom Burka at 1:58 PM