Mysterious Orb Reportly Leaping and Hopping

In a press conference hastily called early this morning, John Ashcroft announced that, ever since he diverted Cat Stevens's flight and sent him back to England, he has been followed by a "moonshadow."

"I have long since suspected that Cat Stevens had occult powers," said Ashcroft. "But now I know."

Ashcroft described Stevens -- also known as Yusef Islam -- as satanic. "If you play his records frontwards, they say 'Peace Train,'" said Ashcroft, shuddering.

Ashcroft and Tom Ridge have been hard pressed to justify their actions. "I am not jealous of Mr. Stevens' musical success," said Ashcroft. "Although I am bitter that Columbia Records passed on 'Let The Eagle Soar.'"

Tom Ridge said today that Stevens was on the no-fly list because recent intelligence indicates he likes Hamas.

Cat Stevens shook his head. "That's hummus."