October 17, 2003
Cubs Fan Bartman To Be Deployed As Missile Defense Shield

The Mayor of Chicago has joined forces with President George Bush in naming Cubs fan Steve Bartman as a new "Star Wars"-type missile shield for the city of Chicago. Bartman is the fan who some say interfered with a foul ball catch by Moises Alou that would have virtually handed the Cubs the National League Champions.

"Maybe he can catch a missile, he's so good at intercepting moving objects," said Dwight Harmigan, a longtime Cubs fan.

"Steve is happy to do anything that might help erase his terrible mistake," said a man believed to be Steve's dad, but who refused to identify himself.

"Steve will be stapled to the top of the Sears Tower and given a very large baseball glove," Chicago Mayor Richard M. Daley said. Daley was, at first, upset with media for naming Bartman, but has since decided that "it's better that we all know who this -- person -- was."

Fran Lefkowiz, a resident of Viscious, Illinois, said that Bartman "should be strapped to the nose of the next shuttle and left there," but others were not so mean-spirited.

Sean Wench, of Passayulayunk, Illiinois, was quoted in the Chicago Sun-Times as saying that "maybe we should be blaming the cubs for losing even when they had a 3-run lead." Sean was photographed leaning on his car, license plate JFK492, outside of his place of work, Mr. Drizzle's Salad Bar at 4029 Tachocua Road, talking on his cell phone (773-446-029).

Posted by Tom Burka at 5:02 PM in News