The White House today said that they had discovered a new tape purporting to contain a message from Osama bin Laden endorsing John Kerry. On the tape, which has not been made available to reporters, bin Laden says, "I urge all infidels to immediately vote for John Kerry." The CIA said that the message appeared to be authentic, citing the ending of the tape, in which the speaker closes with, "My name is Osama bin Laden, and I approved this message."

"This is precisely what I have been saying all along," said a triumphant Dick Cheney during an interview in his office. "The terrorists want John Kerry to win." Cheney offered no explanation for the presence of a reel-to-reel tape recorder on his desk, except to say that he had just been "catching up on some old Nixon reels."

Update: Apparently the GOP reads this site; they released the tape just 6 days after I wrote this post.