Republicans in Congress have mounted an immediate campaign against allegations of criminal White House improprieties with a hilarious array of joke props and novelty gags that have Democrats begging for mercy.

The New York Times reports:

House Republicans distributed white paper bags with the label "Leak hyperventilation bag," saying they might come in handy for Democrats who were having trouble catching their breath over the subject. . . .

"It's slime and defend," said one Republican aide on Capitol Hill.

Tom Delay put fake vomit on House Minority leader Nancy Pelosi's chair. "You should have seen the look on her face!" said Delay. "I think we now see how base and unsubstantiated these allegations of misconduct are," he concluded.

Majority leader Bill Frist put one over on Teddy Kennedy after he snuck into Kennedy's office and filled all of his pens with invisible ink. "I guess he'll have to write that bill again," said Frist, before dissolving into a fit of guffaws and giggles. "It's obvious that the Democrats are pouncing on the Administration's criminal acts just to distract the American public."

Among the weapons Republicans have lined up to counter Robert Novak's bombshell that two senior White House officials committed two felonies by telling him the identity of an undercover CIA agent are exploding candy, Stink-o hand wipes, hairy soap, sneezing powder and the infamous "spring-loaded-snake-in-the-Congressional-Record."

"These Democrats are up to the same old tricks: grasping at straws," said Tom Delay, as he substituted belch powder for the salt in the Capitol cafeteria.