June 4, 2003
Martha Stewart's Real Crimes

  • Trying to make us care about doilies;
  • Using the phrase "pillowing" to mean "making a pillow;"
  • Being much, much too excited about wreaths;
  • Urging us to grow, pick, sautee, and create ten-foot tall decorative aspargus spear trees;
  • Possibly committing insider trading while not being the daughter of a Republican President of the United States;
  • Making millions by herself, without any help from powerful rich friends in the oil business;
  • Not making her fortune by using her father's political and business connections to buy a baseball team, finance building a new stadium by raising taxes on gullible Texans, and using the power of eminent domain to grab other people's land and homes that she could develop and sell for a fortune;
  • Not enlisting the aid of an evil genius to install her as governor of a state and engineer her occupation of the White House so that he can advance his own incredibly right-wing, fundamentalist, fanatical neoconservative agenda while putting money back into the pockets of his pals who would then send both of them buckets of cash to ensure that the agenda is never changed; and
  • Not having any of the media in her pocket.

Posted by Tom Burka at 10:51 AM in News