At a press briefing today, Donald Rumsfeld pooh-poohed suggestions that anti-American violence by Iraqis was out of control and noted that the Baghdad crime rate was lower than the District of Columbia's. Rumsfled added that he and Paul Bremer had decided to open invisible cans of "whoop-ass" which would quickly take care of the problem.

"I say to the U.S. soldiers in Iraq: your wives and children need not worry," said Rumsfeld, holding up a prototype invisible can for the press. "Whoop-ass is here."

When asked by reporter Miles Seecars why the mysterious cans of "whoop-ass" had not been used in the District of Columbia, Rumsfeld appeared to pull on a invisible tab on the top of the invisible can he was holding, tilted it toward Seecars. Seecars suddenly crumpled to the ground. When questioned later about it, all Seecars would say was that he thought that his ass had been whooped.