Nader A Clear Threat To The Security Of The Nation, Candidates Say

In a rare show of cooperation between members of the same political party, candidates Wesley Clark and Howard Dean declared Ralph Nader to be an "enemy combatant" today. Forces said to under the control of retired General Wesley Clark moved swiftly to make a "citizen's arrest" and spirited Nader away to an undisclosed location.

"If Nader is allowed to run for President again, the whole nation will suffer," said Clark.

"I supported this action not just because of Nader's potential candidacy, but also because of Nader himself," Dean agreed. "I'm surprised nobody's thought of doing this before."

Nader has not been provided access to an attorney "because he is one," said Howard Dean.

Strangely, no one, not even the Republican Party or Nader's supporters, protested the abduction and seclusion of Nader.

"The guy's a freaking menace to society," Dick Cheney said while warming his hands in the pockets of a very large oil company.

John Ashcroft applauded the action, noting that, as far as he's concerned, detention of an American citizen by another American citizen "is entirely lawful."

"Listen" said a former Nader supporter. "What difference does it make? All those enemy combatants are exactly alike."