Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, like his boss, is selling the policy with a new PR initiative, granting interviews to 18 local TV stations from Boston to Seattle during a three-week blitz. But the offer comes with strings attached. The White House media office has insisted that each station air subsequent interviews with three or four other Pentagon officials as a condition for getting Rumsfeld. These include Wolfowitz, reconstruction boss Paul Bremer and Central Command chief Gen. John Abizaid.

Now you can get all the Donald Rumsfeld you need, all the Donald Rumsfeld you want -- and, at absolutely no additional cost, you get this pure, completely unadulterated 100 per cent authentic, fresh out of the box, Paul Wolfowitz, the one and only, ladies and gentlemen, as much Paul Wolfowitz as you can handle! That's two adminstration bigwigs for the price of one!

Imagine Secretary Rumsfeld. In your living room. Taking questions. Saying ridiculous things. Right there in our own home.

And Wolfowitz! Looking grim. Predicting outright, unspeakably horrible imminent disaster and audacious U.S. worldwide hegemony all in the same breath! See his amazing two faces!

(Don't worry, townspeople, we'll turn your neighborhood into a high security green zone so no one will launch missiles at him while he's sitting on your coach, eating all your food, drinking your last six-pack.)

I know you're thinking: What a value! What a find! There's just no way this offer could get any better!

But guess what? There's MORE.

I know you're thinking, what else is there? What more could they possibly add?

Paul Bremer! His suit, his combat boots, in your home, and in that suit and in those boots, it's absolutely incredible -- Paul Bremer himself! The whole and complete Paul Bremer, ladies and gentlemen, he'll reconstruct your parlor, he'll reconstruct your library, he'll reconstruct your refrigerator, and he'll reconstruct your idea of what reconstruction is!

FOLKS. Look no further. These are the real, authentic inauthentic faux truthtellers, flacks and hacks of the Bush Administration straight from the Pentagon into your lexicon, directly from to your back -- yard -- just like Saudi oil, folks! (Just kidding.)

Order now and we'll throw in -- an ice crusher. And General Al Garbanzo, he'll tell you how fantastically the troop are doing, yes, they're all rolled together into one, that's one mighty friggin' enormously HUGE deal that's the right size for your wallet, for your family, for your neighborhood and designed with -- your mind in mind.

Call now! Operators are standing by.

Order annoyed where manipulated by law.