May 10, 2004
Old, But Gold
Angry Rumsfeld Crushes Reporter's Left Testicle
In a stunning display of his supremacy over the media, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld crushed the left testicle of a reporter as his sole response to what he later said was "an annoying, time-wasting, meaningless question."
Some things never change. Original story published April 22, 2003. The whole thing is here.
April 29, 2004
Not Very Old, But Gold
In Nod To 9/11 Commission, American Courts To Start Recording Trial Testimony On Napkins
The 9/11 Commission's apparent acceptance of President Bush's offer to testify jointly with Dick Cheney has "revolutionized the taking of testimony in courts everywhere," said legal expert Prof. Dozey Doats. . . .
I posted this
too early, it seems, back at a time when the ever-caving Commission was going to be permitted to have one guy taking notes of Bush's testimony. (Now they're going to have rely upon hypnotically-assisted recall and past lives regression.)
Just when you thought the Commission had grown a spine . . .
February 01, 2004
Old But Gold
Rice, Powell: Nothing Wrong With Intelligence; It Was Decision-Making That Sucked
Full story here.
Originally published on June 9, 2003.
December 21, 2003
Old But Gold
White House Financing Government Operations With Credit Card Cash Advances
Over 49,000 Cards Found In Karl Rove's Desk
It was recently discovered that the White House has been financing government operations from cash advances on thousands of credit cards that it has applied for under the names of dead presidents. Millard Fillmore alone has over 360 credit cards issued in his name.
Abraham Lincoln is now known in the credit industry as a "heavy borrower."
"It is not yet known how the White House has established credit lines for so many dead people," said Isadora Mallomud of the Heightened Curiosity in Economic Affairs Institute. . . .
Republished in honor of Jerome Armstrong's RepubliCard.
Originally published on July 16, 2003. Read the whole original article here.
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September 05, 2003
Old But Gold
Showtime Horror Flick, Filmed in Karl Rove-a-VisionTM, To Air On Sunday
I wrote about this wonderful film earlier. As a pleasant reminder that DC 9/11: Time of Crisis finally will be shown on Showtime, this Sunday night at 8 p.m., I reprise the following. (President Bush, suspiciously, has just scheduled a speech at the same time. But wouldn't you rather watch Timothy Bottoms "uncannily impersonate" him?)
Two-Hour Campaign Commercial Most Frightening Film Ever
The Big Dance, a cross between Frankenstein and War of the Worlds, is about a powermad dictator who hijacks the U.S. government, hypnotizes the people and installs a dumb non-elected idiot in the White House who will do his bidding. Timothy Bottoms will play the willing puppet of a crazed Machiavellian schemer who capitalizes on the worst tragedy in American history to maintain power, and plunges the world into war for personal gain while forsaking all at home except for the few privileged rich he needs to keep him and his schemes alive.
"I've never seen anything so scary," boasted Tod Schmeckman, of Showtime Films. "This film will literally make your blood congeal." He went on to say the film was "kind of like Pinky and the Brain but much grimmer: Pinky is much more presentable, wears suits with expensive ties, and works out a lot, so he stays in shape and plays well to cameras. The Brain is far more frightening than his cartoon counterpart -- he doesn't have the fantastic voice of Orson Wells, and he's diabolically smarter. Even spookier, he stays completely behind the scenes, a terrifying unseen presence, like the ghosts in The Haunting, but much, much more -- did I say terrifying?"
The film also utilizes Karl Rove-a-vision® , an immersive interactive technique where viewers are placed under electronically controlled Scottish sweaters and chains, so that at critical points in the story, their chains are yanked and the wool is pulled over their eyes.
Screenwriter Lionel Chetwynd, writer of the award-winning drama movie The Apprenticeship of Duddy Kravitz, said, "I always wanted to do horror. It wasn't until the Bush Administration that the right material came along to do it with."
Originally published on May 29, 2003.
August 26, 2003
Old But Gold
White House Decides War Safer than Peace
Bush Seeks New War To Save U.S. Soldiers' Lives
On May 1, 2003, President George W. Bush stood on the deck of the aircraft carrier U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln and announced the end of the war in Iraq. However, the ensuing peace has not been kind.
More soldiers have died since the war's end than died during the war -- at least 139 deaths since May 1, as compared to the 138 that occurred during the war -- and scores more have been injured. Accordingly, the White House today announced it was searching for a war to start "in order to immediately ameliorate the growing danger to our young servicemen and women overseas."
Iran is a possibility, and Syria could also be a target. White House officials said that where the next war takes place is irrelevant. "The important thing is not to spend a lot of time deliberating about who to attack, but to attack as soon as possible, so we can get this deadly peace behind us," said Donald Rumsfeld.
"It's not a guerilla war that's killing us," Rumsfeld explained. "It's guerilla peace."
"The fact that the majority of these deaths come from non-combat related instances, simply shows how dangerous peace can be," Rumsfeld added.
Karl Rove dismissed suggestions that war was safer for President Bush's relelection campaign than peace. "That's simply absurd,' he said, as he watched President Bush happily playing a round of golf at his ranch.
Originally published, in modified form, on July 4, 2003.
August 25, 2003
Old But Gold
Marines Encounter More Than Just Pockets of Resistance in Baghdad, Try to Fend Off Complete Pants
George and Rummy, you made the pants too long . . .
April 8, Baghdad -- Marines encountered pockets of resistance in southeast Baghdad, zippers of incomprehensibility in the west, inseams of irregularity in the north, and trouser cuffs of indefatigability in the center of town. The Pentagon confirmed that U.S. forces were trying to secure the seat of Baghdad, and hoped to control the belt buckle as early as Tuesday.
"It depends how deep those pockets, how irregular the inseams, how incomprehensible the zippers prove, and -- whatever we said the cuffs were, how whatever we said they would turn out to be, " said General Hugh Fitzimmons today. "We're also going to try to have the waist taken in by Saturday," he added.
Originally published on April 8, 2003
August 23, 2003
Old But Gold
Mideast Road Map Hard To Read, Impossible to Fold
This seems relevant yet again . . .
Yesterday, a bitter dispute broke out between Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon and Palestinian Prime Minister Mahmoud Abbas over whether to take an immediate left turn, or stop at the next service plaza and ask directions on the way to peace. At last report, the pair had pulled over to the side of the road to once again examine the road map.
Sharon insists on taking the Interstate at least as far as the West bank, but Abbas want to take backroads to avoid traffic. "The Interstate gets completely backed up this time of year," said Abbas. shaking his head in frustration. "It's crazy," he told Sharon. "We'll just be sitting there, inching ahead, barely moving -- we'll get stuck there a million miles from an offramp, I know it."
"Many of these roads are not even on the map, as far as I can see," Sharon replied. "We're just going to get lost."
Among other disagreements the parties have encountered are who gets to drive, and whether to listen to Kelly Clarkson's "Thankful" CD (Sharon) or Duran Duran (Abbas) during the trip.
Finally, Secretary of State Colin Powell's backseat driving has become, according to the Prime Ministers, "intolerable." "I don't think he has a clue about how to get where we're going, but he won't shut up," said Abbas.
Sharon was more direct: "Don't make me reach back there."
Originally published on May 10, 2003.
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Fear of Blackout Causes Mini-Evacuation Of New York
The management will be on vacation for the next week. Internet access will be unpredictable and unreliable, followed by occasional showers. Accordingly, some past gems will be posted with the aim of making everyone who isn't on vacation a little happier than everyone else who's not on vacation and not reading Opinions You Should Have.
The management would also like to announce that there is nothing expensive in our empty, abandoned apartment, not even a flat beer, just a tattered sign reading "NO RADIO."
« Close It
August 02, 2003
Old but Gold
North Korean Leader Kim Jong Il Discovered Just to Be Doing Bad Dr. Evil Impression
"I big fan," Kim Jong Il said, "I just have some fun." He explained that people had simply misinterpeted him when he threatened to blow things up, and that was simply portraying Dr. Evil, the famed madman from the Austin Powers movies. He put a stubby pinky finger to hs lips and said, "I blow up Califohnia unless you give me . . .. a bazill-yun dollah. Bwa-ha-ha-ha."
Jong Il said that the U.S. had misunderstood him. "Bad joke, maybe. Maybe in bad taste. I sorry. We no have nuclear weapon," he said. "We just bunch guys try have fun on slow day, like anyone else. We have some small missile, yes, that we like take out when things dull, blow something up, pass time, you know? Not that different than American."
Originally published on April 23, 2003
July 26, 2003
Old But Gold
U.S. Marines Discover Hidden Trove of Extra Hussein Sons
U.S. Marines securing an atomic energy facility discovered a hidden room containing seven "backup" sons of Saddam Hussein who were prepared to take over the throne if Hussein's known sons, Uday and Qusay, were killled or otherwise unable to exercise power.