August 25, 2005
Robertson Meant "Wine and Dine," Not "Assassinate"

Christian broadcaster Pat Robertson explained today that remarks he made on television recently -- which the media portrayed as a call for Hugo Chavez's assassination -- had unfortunately been misunderstood and misreported, and he apologized.

"When I said our special forces should 'take him out,' I meant 'to a nice dinner,'" said Robertson. "Of course, if Chavez were to die accidentally after the dinner, from say, something he ate, who could deny that we would all be better off?"

Robertson, who emphasized that he is a champion of the culture of life, said that his words were ill-chosen, and that, while they accurately reflected his views in favor of assassination, he did not mean to express them on national television.

Posted by Tom Burka at 8:08 PM in News

August 15, 2005
Iraq's First Constitutional Crisis Involves Possible Lack Of Constitution

Iran Offers To Write Iraqi Constitution "Just To Help Out"

Iraqis faced their first, and perhaps direst, constitutional crisis today because, by midnight tonight, they may not have a constitution around which to have a crisis. Members of the provisional government are in heated negotiations to agree on the final provisions of a constitution, but still differ on some minor points, such as: who will govern, what states will exist, the rights of citizens, whether Kurds should be considered as whey, what the role of religion in government should be, who gets the oil rights, and whether women can be bought like furniture.

Iraqi leaders said they were "making great progress" on the constitution and that existing napkins held many details of the final document. Nonetheless, in order to make the deadline, they are considering ignoring the demands of many of the country's factions, including those of the Sunnis, Shiites, Kurds, Shards, Nerds and Tribbles. "It is essential that we have a constitution of some kind by the end of today, even if it plunges the country into a state of never-ending civil war," said one Iraqi leader.

Iran has offered to provide the Iraqis with a constitution that is "perfectly indifferent" to the desires of the Iranian government, according to the Iranian government. "We want nothing for the Iraqis but their complete and utter happiness," said Iranian government member Mohammed Awari. "Is that the word? Or did I mean subjugation?"

Posted by Tom Burka at 12:40 PM in News

August 11, 2005
Bush To Extend Vacation To Clear "Especially Pernicious" Brush

Brush So Dense It Blocked Meeting With Cindy Sheehan, Says Bush

President Bush announced today that he is extending his five-week-long vacation until "at least October," because the brush on his Crawford ranch was "out of control," "all over the place," and "posed a possible threat to national security."

"No one's been attending to the brush," said Bush. But, he affirmed, he will not be deterred from his mission to clear it.

Spokespersons said Bush was so busy clearing the brush that he could not meet with Cindy Sheehan, who has been camping outside of the Crawford ranch until the President speaks to her about the Iraq war, where her son died serving the nation. Bush himself later told reporters that the brush was too dense for him to get to her. "It's a quagmire," he said.

Cindy Sheehan disagreed. "I don't see any brush," she said. "From where I stand, I can see everything quite clearly."

Posted by Tom Burka at 1:50 PM in News

August 4, 2005
Bush To Determine Scientific Curriculum Of American Schools Based On His Own Experiments

Will Personally Review Entire Body of Scientific "Knowledge," Says White House

The White House announced today that President Bush would henceforth determine the scientific curriculum to be taught in America's schools. The announcement came immediately after Bush endorsed the teaching of intelligent design.

President Bush apparently wants to adopt a modified pre-Copernican view of astronomy, to start. "This whole notion that the universe does not revolve around our great nation, our great planet, seems kind of crazy," he told reporters yesterday.

Bush was also skeptical about what he called "the notion of gravity." "I'm uncomfortable with teaching our children that bodies are attracted to each other," he said. "That seems like an unwholesome idea to put into children's heads, don't it?" He speculated that objects fall to the ground because "God wants them to."

Dr. James Dobson, founder of the rightwing Christian group Focus on the Family, applauded Bush's plans to eliminate scientists from science. "It just puts all four of my humours into complete harmony," he said.

Critics were less sanguine, however. "If George Bush is for teaching intelligent design in schools," said Professor and biologist Byron Glick, "it proves that there isn't any."

Posted by Tom Burka at 8:23 AM in News

August 1, 2005
Heat Wave Breaks As Congress Adjourns

Researchers Tie Global Warming To Presence Of Talking Legislators

A wave of relief swept the nation as Congress adjourned last week and record high temperatures finally subsided.

"There is a definite correlation between increasing temperatures and the presence of legislating congresspeople," said scientist Lloyd Dnaiels, whose last name was the result of a spelling mistake that "stuck."

Scientists have rarely seen environmental effects as extreme as those caused by the last session of Congress, however. "This past year, we saw record-breaking levels of incendiary rhetoric, heated bloviating, and acid bile," said Dnaiels.

Dnaiels said that scientists are working to insulate Americans from the effects of Congress, but so far they have made little progress. "One solution under consideration is to dissolve Congress entirely, but some scientists maintain that Congress is capable of benefitting the American people," said Dnaiels. "We're still looking for signs of that."

If scientists succeed, said Dnaiels, they will move on to protecting Americans from the effects of the judiciary and executive branches of government.

Posted by Tom Burka at 12:12 PM in News