July 1, 2010
Montclair Spy Journal -- Eyes Only
Central, I am continuing my series of communications heavy with intelligence on American policy. As a deep cover operative in Montclair, NJ, I have gained access to the innermost thoughts and feelings of high level operatives in American government and industry.
For instance, the Dickinsons next door have close ties to the Obama White House: they have an invitation to the Inaugural itself, signed by Biden and Obama , framed on their wall, and I therefore believe that they are very important financial contributors to the Democratic Party. They also have three SUV's.
Last week the Dickinsons got the perfect compact microwave and the truly innovative thing about it is it blends in perfectly with their kitchen, which is taupe. The possibility that these Americans might be able to bring their home decorating skills to the negotiating table in Kiev alarms and frightens me. Plus Marge Dickinson will not tell me where her husband has been buying his shirts. They never wrinkle.
I am pleased to report that American cellular technology, based on an extensive study by myself and everyone in my AT&T "Family Circle", is utter crap. Even in my little home village of Trikonosis near the Baltic Sea, where the network is strung together with spare chicken wire, we have better voice quality, fewer dropped calls -- and you get a free bottle of vodka for every 1000 carryover minutes.
My observation of the Americans at the Very Top reveals that they will probably be bringing many flavored lattes to Moscow. Possibly croissants. Please tell Medvedev that if Obama brings any pastries from Starbucks, he should avoid them. Heavy and bland.
The Americans have a very disturbing strategy that they are developing. It involves "loyalty cards," small plastic rectangles with mysterious bars on their faces which my neighbors assure me are codes. Every store in America makes their customers carry these. I still cannot figure out what these obviously sinister cards do, but my wallet is absolutely stuffed with them.
I believe the Americans may be on to us. For one thing, my cell phone quality has mysteriously improved. My Netflix queue is not functioning properly. The Dickinsons - whose lawn is still so incredibly green, damn them - invited us to their place at the Hamptons. I can't remember whether that is the code for "Burn All Documents Immediately" or whether we should bring a gift when we go.
What do you think -- will a nice bottle of white wine do?