Secretary of Health and Human Resources Tommy Thompson said today that the flu vaccine shortage thus demonstrated the kind of "careful, long-range planning" that the Bush Administration brings to bear on difficult problems. "One or two more vaccine shortages, and we'll be able to put away that so-called lockbox," Thompson boasted.

Rumsfeld Eager To Take On New Job

The U.S. government today announced that the once vaunted food pyramid -- used as a model for American nutrition since 1992 -- will immediately be replaced by the food Pentagon. Donald Rumsfeld will be chief.

"I am looking forward to supervising the daily caloric intake of every American," said Secretary Rumsfeld, who will add the new job to his portfolio. "It's very simple," he said. "You eat what we tell you to."

Ewing Fitzsimmon, Undersecretary for Policy on Ruffage and Fiber, explained that today's America needed a more aggressive, more "go-to attitude" toward nutrition.

Part of the problem with the food pyramid, explained Fitzsimmon, was that while it was relatively easy to understand, most Americans simply did not follow it. The new program will instead involve extremely complicated guidelines that will be phased in gradually until they become mandatory in June of 2006.

"When people don't eat right, we get a flabby populace," said Rumsfeld, "and a flabby populace means that America sags in all the wrong places. We want to present our best face to the world."

"Nobody eats anything but beans until 1300 hours," he continued. "We need to reduce America's dependence on oil."

Mourners Nonetheless Intrigued By Notion Of Private, Personal Accounts

Yesterday President Bush, when asked just outside of the Vatican to comment on his viewing of the Pope, accidentally launched into a spiel about Social Security and the need for reform. He unfortunately drew his words from a speech he gave upon visiting the U.S. Treasury Department's Bureau of Public Debt earlier this week.

The President told millions of the Pope's followers and admirers waiting for a glimpse of the Holy Father, "There's really nothing in there," as he gestured toward the Vatican. "All that's in there is really just a bunch of I.O.U.'s."

In what the White House has called "a miracle," most of the crowd was unable to make sense of the President's statements.

Senior officials at the White House claimed that it was the right time and place for a speech about Social Security, noting that a funeral is always a good time to talk about planning for retirement.