1) Defund Obamacare.

2) Require that every freshman congressperson wear a beanie with a propeller during their first year in office.

3) Require that every child eat his or her peas.

4) Eliminate Medicare.

5) End Welfare.

6) Do away with any other government program ending in "care" or "are."

7) Get rid of any other government program that is, like those other programs, supported by a majority of Americans.

8) Drown government in a bathtub.

9) If you can't drown government in a bathtub, just start with the Senate Majority Leader and work your way up.

10) Crown Senator Ted Cruz King and make Rep. Eric Cantor his Queen (who will also be known as "his bitch.") A bunch of other Senators can also be crowned queens. They know who they are.

11) Every Tuesday in Congress will henceforth be Bingo night.

12) Rename the Navy Bean Soup served in the Congressional Commissary "Our Brave Men and Women of the Armed Forces Who Place Themselves in Harm's Way Every Day to Protect Our Liberties" Bean Soup. Anyone who opposes this is a communist.

13) Tilt the country on its side so that all the poor people slide off into the sea.

14) Make that horrible rap and community-threatening hip hop illegal.

15) Reshoot Breaking Bad so it's about a teacher who gets cancer and decides not to cook meth, but instead decides to rely on his Healthcare Savings Account, which he's built up to $5000 over the course of the preceding three years. Make it have a happy ending and make it seem like it at least makes the slightest bit of sense.