November 2, 2010
Aqua Buddha Thrilled by Rand Paul Result; Terra Buddha, Pyro Buddha, and Aero Buddha Profoundly Discouraged
Aqua Buddha threw up his watery hands in moist thanks for Rand Paul's election as the new U.S. Senator from Kentucky, but other elemental Buddhas around the world shook their heads in despair at what they saw as terrific neglect by most of their worshippers.
"None of our worshippers won a single seat of any importance whatsoever," said the earthy Terra Buddha, scratching himself. "A Pyro Buddha follower won comptroller of something," he continued. "What the hell is that?"
The other elemental Buddhas agreed that, with the election of Rand Paul,
a huge Aqua Buddha booster, the Buddha of the Water, as some know him, will be "absolutely insufferable."
Pyro Buddha was too angry to speak, but Aero Buddha tried to take Paul's win in stride. "Yes, the Aqua Buddha worshipper won," he conceded. "But let's not forget -- the Witch lost."
November 1, 2010
In Last Ditch Effort To Control House, Dems Pledge to Block Own Agenda
Today, in a desperate election eve tactic designed to dissuade voters from handing control of the House to Republicans, Democrats today made a last-minute announcement that they would seek to aggressively block their own agenda. "We think we can do a better job of blocking progressive reforms than Republicans," said Speaker Nancy Pelosi.
Pelosi proudly pointed to her own record as an example. "We've done an excellent job of watering down a truly liberal agenda -- just think what we could do if we tried to block it outright," she told reporters.
But voters were skeptical that Democrats would be do as good a job as Republicans at putting the brakes on Democrats' relatively mediocre liberal agenda. "I'm worried that if the Democrats try to stop themselves, they'll somehow botch it," said Alice Spongeman, a centrist from Ohio.
Indeed, Blue Dog Democrats immediately pledged to put a stop to the halting of a liberal agenda, merely saying they would vote against anything the Democrat leadership supported. "I just don't trust Democrats," explained Blue Dog Congressman Nelson Fiddleme (D. - S.C).
Democrats find themselves reeling from wisespread dissatisfaction with the state of the economy and their own inability to portray the Health Care Reform Bill as a good thing. "It is really hard to tell folks how a law, that lets them get treatment when they're sick, is good," said Congressman Herb Miller. "We're just absolutely stymied about how to campaign on that."
Democrats are deeply divided over how to sink the party and dithered on how to implement Pelosi's strategy . "The debate Is whether to offer lukewarm disagreement or simply to mimick Republican positions," said Rep. Phyllis Staples at lunch this afternoon.
She turned to her menu and tried to decide what to order, but she could not make up her mind. She returned to her office hungry.