Dems Pass Historic Health Care Bill Anyway

The entire Republican Congress called in sick yesterday as Democrats passed a historic health care reform bill designed to guarantee affordable health care for every American.

"I was feeling a bit woozy," said Republican Congressman Joe Wilson. "I just didn't have the energy to come in to work today and call President Obama a liar."

"I would have gone to work but I was leaking from both ends, if you know what I mean," said Congresswoman Jean Schmidt (R. - Ohio). She admitted, however, that most people felt this was the case whenever she spoke in public.

Minority Leader John Boehner, whose illness had momentarily given him normal skin tones, explained. "As a party, we only drag ourselves from our sick beds to vote for outrageous expenditures on unnecessary wars that decrease the security of our nation and bankrupt future generations."

Other Republican congressmen noted that they had received an enormous volume of phone calls from Americans who protested the legislation.

Health care expert Professor Hodding Dorkder of Yale agreed. "The vast majority of Americans were not feeling well enough to pick up the phone and express their support," he said.