January 29, 2007
Opinions You Should Have Named Publisher of One of the Top Ten Internet Satire Stories of 2006
For the second year in a row, Humorfeed has placed one of our stories among the Top Ten Satire News Stories of the year. This year the honored story was "Prominent Male Hooker Forced To Step Down Amid Accusations Of Sex With Sleazy Evangelical Leader."
While you're waiting for our next post ("*ahem* -- it's coming, I promise you -- *cough*), why don't you check out the other finalists and see which one is your favorite?
Posted by Tom Burka at 7:36 PM
January 10, 2007
Bush Unveils i-Iraq i-Policy i-Initiative
Feels Adding "i" To Beginning Of Every Word Will Make Ideas Look New And Vital
President Bush, wearing a black turtleneck and jeans, announced today what he called "an amazing new invention" that he said would "revolutionize the way we fight the Iraq war" and "make previous Iraq war policies look dumb." He called it "the i-Iraq", and said that he got the idea while surfing "the Google."
In a two-hour long slideshow, Bush outlined the features of the "iStrategy" which he frequently praised as "absolutely innovatical," and "amazing." The new strategy device would come with a patented "LMS" key, for a "last-minute surge" to overwhelm all opposition, as well as a function that will produce troops from virtually nowhere, create something from nothing, and replace any civil war with a fully functioning peaceful representative democracy.
The iStrategy also has long lasting batteries, automatic and periodic face-saving, reality muting, and a small switch on the side that turns off the advice of top-ranking military experts.
The device will operate with "unilateral gesturing," which the President has also patented.
The unveiling of the new device caused an audience of yes-men to applaud spontaneously no less than sixty-two times.
Reporters asked Steve Jobs if Bush was trying to steal his ideas for Apple's new iPhone, but Jobs dismissed the comparison.
"They're totally different," Jobs said. "Our phone works."
Posted by Tom Burka at 5:03 PM
January 1, 2007
2006 - The Year in Revue
In many ways, it was a far, far better year than we could have hoped for. But it was a very crazy year.
This is where the Democrats were at the beginning of the year: a Supreme Court ruling removed the only barriers that had prevented the Democrats from complete self-immolation.
In February, a U.S. ban on animal-human hybrids had the unintended consequence of making chickenhawks illegal, decimating the White House and much of the Republican leadership.
In frustration, Vice President Cheney shot a friend in the face, and it was discovered that he had previously run a friend through with a hunting knife.
Subsequently, Dubai was chosen to run the American government in the absence of any actual American leadership.
In March, as part of a rash of legislative approaches to stopping Republican governmental crime, the Senate retroactively legalized the Watergate break-in. Then, to celebrate the third anniversary of the invasion of Iraq, Dick Cheney dropped an enormous cake on Iraq, destroying a power plant and two schools.
In April, amidst rumors that Scott McClellan was about to implode, I made a pitch to become the next great White House Press Secretary.
In May, to address the immigration crisis, the National Guard was forced to hire illegal immigrants to patrol the Mexican border.
June was a busy month. The U.S. refused to pay dues to the World Cup organization, the Supreme Court eviscerated the knock-knock joke, and the White House executed the New York Times.
Up-is-down-ism reached its peak (or its bottom) when Republicans claimed that eliminating taxes would fix the deficit.
In August, Americans begged Bush to take a longer vacation, but Bush came back early to promise to keep promising to fix New Orleans.
Bush then immediately spent weeks in intricate negotiations over the details of a law that he never intended to follow.
The first hint of good news in the year came when Bill Scher of Liberal Oasis showed us how to win the war of ideas and return the Democratic party to greatness.
In October, the Republican leadership was "shocked, shocked" to discover that Mark Foley had a little problem.
In November, the Democrats actually won control of Congress.
But it wasn't all good news. A prominent male hooker was forced to step down after he was discovered having sex with a sleazy evangelical leader. Because of this, Donald Rumsfeld resigned.
In December, outgoing Majority Leader and doctor Bill Frist attempted to declare a Democratic Senator dead in an effort to hold on to his position.
And millions wept as James Brown lay in state at the Capitol.
Happy New Year from all of us at Opinions You Should Have!
Posted by Tom Burka at 6:03 PM
Year in Review