September 29, 2008
Voodoo Economics To Be Replaced By Cocktail Party Napkin Economics

The White House, House Democrats, and recalcitrant Republicans searched vainly this weekend for a meme to replace voodoo economics, the Ronald Reagan policy which has ravaged the American economy, bringing on the greatest economic crisis since the Great Depression. Democrats and the Treasury Department, along with reluctant rank-and-file Republicans, settled on a plan hastily sketched out on a cocktail party napkin (pdf) at 3:00 a.m. Saturday night as an adequate substitute.

"We did it with virtually no thought," said Secretary Paulson and Barney Frank, who said that reaching an agreement was more important than vetting the plan upon which everyone was agreeing. "We have to restore confidence in the markets," they said.

John McCain parachuted into the talks on Thursday, where he sat, unable to free himself from his canopy, as GOP Republicans floated a new plan.

"Initially, we were intent on switching from voodoo to witch doctor economics," said House Minority Leader John Boehner, explaining the thinking of some Republicans. "But some thought that too similar an economic philosophy."

Another Republican explained GOP reticence to sign onto a bailout plan. "We're really uncomfortable with giving away taxpayer money unless it's to prescription drug companies or the oil industry," said Rep. Wayne Tasso.

"The fact is, this shows that 'voodoo economics' is a disaster, just like I said," said George H.W. Bush, who coined the phrase to describe Reagonomics, economics based on Reagan's belief that giving everything to the rich would fill the coffers of the poor. "I knew Reagonomics was bad in 1978, but it took my son to prove how much it really sucks."

Posted by Tom Burka at 8:46 AM in News | Comments (2)

Lipstick on a Pig Alert

You know how they say a picture's worth a thousand words? Larry Ray has the details.

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September 22, 2008
Bush To Put FEMA in Charge of Wall Street Rescue

President Bush compounded widespread concern about a domestic economy on the verge of collapse today when he announced that FEMA would coordinate the 700 billion dollar bailout of Wall Street.

"We have our best people on it," Bush insisted, causing the market to slide two thousand points late this morning. Bush and his staff expressed surprise that Adminstration assurances have done little to buoy confidence in the economy. "None of the folks in charge of the bailout ever worked with horses or anything," said a perplexed White House staffer.

Circumstances on Wall Street remained dire today. Thousands of traders and bankers have been without money, gold ingots, or economic power for almost a week now, and conditions in hastily constructed "trailer banks" have been horrible. "There are hardly any bathroom attendants here at all," complained one temporary resident, Preston Brunswick III, a complex derivatives trader who "barely cleared a million" last year.

Compounding the crisis, trucks full of relief money have been mysteriously stalled in Alabama, and FEMA officials were at a loss to explain why it was so hard to get the "Benjamins" to New York, where they are so desperately needed.

"We need that money now! We're barely able to expense out our lunches," exclaimed worried A.I.G. executive Gwen Driscoll. Driscoll fretted that her corporate American Express Platinum card was "being strained to the breaking point."

Meanwhile, Republicans warned that the allegedly Democratic-controlled Congress would take too much time debating a relief bill. "We need a lack of oversight, and we need it now," said Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson. "Before anyone has a chance to think about it."

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September 2, 2008
Sarah Palin Thoroughly Vetted By Jamie Spears' Mom, McCain Campaign Says

John McCain's campaign vigorously denied accusations that it had not thoroughly vetted McCain's vice presidential pick, Governor Sarah Palin, saying she had been vetted and "raked over the coals" by a trusted campaign advisor. That advisor was Lynn Spears -- Jamie and Britney Spears' mother. "Spears gave Palin two pacifiers up," a spokesman for the McCain campaign said today.

Spears was selected to vet Palin because she is an authority on mothering, and the author of numerous books on the subject, including "Through The Storm -- How To Raise Good Christian Girls." She is also an authority on raising good Christian grandchildren "as quickly as possible," says Dr. Ian Fesslhoff, an expert on parenting experts.

Spears confirmed that she okayed Palin for the Veep spot on the McCain ticket. "I especially approved of Palin's strong religious and moral stances on abortion and abstinence-only policies toward sex education," she said. As a mom, she also felt the timing of Palin's placement on the ticket was key: "There's no better time to run for office than when you have a five-month-old with special needs and a teenage daughter with baby number two on the way."

In a campaign appearance late today, Senator McCain declined to comment on the recent revelation that Palin's 17-year-old daughter, Bristol, is five months' pregnant, or the rumor that Gov. Palin's infant son is really also Bristol's child, except to say that he "looks forward to presiding over a nation of young people."

"Young people caring for much younger people," noted Dr. Fesslhoff.

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