May 29, 2008
More To Come
A note on the blog's silence: I was asked to do some writing for another publication, so that's what I've been doing. I'll let you all know what and where you can find it, hopefully within the next couple of days.
Posted by Tom Burka at 5:01 PM
May 20, 2008
How Hillary Can Win
DANCE-OFF. Only music permitted will be Celine Dion, Fleetwood Mac, and Abba.
BOWLING TOURNAMENT. Hillary will best Mr. Obama's recent and pathetic score of 36 while blindfolded with an American flag, drinking shots of bourbon that have been aged in casks of Mississippi oak, brewed in big Southern States, with one hand fastened behind her back with stout New England twine.
SINGLE HAND COMBAT TO THE DEATH. Using weapon of candidate's choosing: either handgun every citizen has a right to own, semiautomatic rifle or assault gun every citizen has a right to own; or by relentlessly mocking opponent's religious pastor.
WAFFLE EATING CONTEST. In effort to appeal to ethnic voting blocs, menu will also include huevos rancheros, cuban sandwiches, and lutefisk. First candidate to sip a latte loses.
INVOKE SECRET SUPERDELEGATE SUPPORT. Realizing that she, too, is a superdelegate, Sen. Clinton will suddenly throw her support behind herself, building what only her Campaign Manager, Terry McCauliffe, will call a "bold, new momentum."
INVITE OBAMA TO MEETING IN EXTREMELY SMOKY BACK ROOM and seal it up.
LENGTHEN PRIMARY SEASON BY CARVING TWENTY MORE STATES OUT OF MICHIGAN AND FLORIDA: Has benefit of solving dicey delegate seating problem.
EXPOSE OBAMAN SUPERDELEGATES TO KRYPTONITE. Smuggle incapacitating rock from an alien planet (borrowed from the Smithsonian) into Superdelegates' Secret "Lair of Hope" located at Mount Rushmore (in the upper right quadrant of Lincoln's left nostril) during next meeting of infamous "Legion of Change." "Have . . . lost . . ability . . . to choose," noted superdelegate (because he was formerly head of the DNC office supply room) Gerald Fitzner will croak, just before passing out.
Posted by Tom Burka at 10:05 AM
May 15, 2008
Fossella To Spend More Time With One Of His Families
Congressman Vito Fossella, who was recently arrested for driving while intoxicated, announced today that he will resign from Congress "in order to spend more time with one of his families." Fossella made it clear that he had not yet decided which family he was planning on spending more time with, but told reporters that he would have time to reflect upon the question during an upcoming prison stint.
"Perhaps the easiest way to decide is to figure out which family I'd like to spend less time with," he quipped.
Fossella is married with three children. When he was recently bailed out of jail by a woman who was not his wife, but the mother of his secret love child, it became public that Fossella also has a second, secret family residing in the Washington, D.C. area.
"It's kind of like a franchise," Fossella attempted to explain before being hustled into a waiting car by anxious Capitol Hill aides.
There is no truth to rumors that Fossella hopes to start families in Palm Beach, Chicago, Beverly Hills, London, Paris, and Milan, aides said.
Posted by Tom Burka at 11:10 AM
May 14, 2008
A Tale of the South
I'm a little late mentioning it, but my good friend Gilbert King just came out with a fascinating book about a poor young man who has the unfortunate distinction of being the only man in American history who was executed twice.
The Execution of Willie Francis, the true story of an African American youth accused of killing a white businessman in a small town in Louisiana, circa 1946, is a riveting, disturbing, and ultimately moving account that says as much about race relations and the American system of justice today as it does about the America in the 40's. Can't recommend it highly enough -- get a copy and read it.
Posted by Tom Burka at 7:45 AM