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January 5, 2012
Like Discovering That Leprechauns and Unicorns Are Real.
Republicans who aren't idiots about climate change on tape.
Gingrich Loses Caucuses But Still Mysteriously Paid $1.6 Million
Although New Gingrich came in fourth in the Iowa caucuses, the people of Iowa paid him $1.6 million for his participation, Gingrich spokespersons revealed this morning. It could not be determined what precisely Mr. Gingrich had been paid for, but Gingrich's people noted that Gingrich "rarely did anything" unless he could get paid $1.6 million to do it. "Iowa caucuses no exception," said one source. It was unclear how Mr. Gingrich came to be paid, although sources suggested that Mr. Gingrich may have been a "historical consultant." One Iowan, Phyllis Tange of Des Moines, had no objection to Mr. Gingrich's payment by Iowans, because she understood that he was being paid as a "hysterical consultant." Ms. Tange observed, "He certainly has a lot of expertise in that area." In other news, Michelle Bachman credited her loss in the caucuses to communists, saying "those Reds love Romney, Santorum, and Paul." Further discussion with Ms. Bachmann revealed that had confused the Iowa caucuses with the Russian Caucasus. Ron Paul attributed his third place showing to the existence of the Federal Reserve.
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