Calls for Major investigation

Donald Trump today blamed what he called a roaming group of millions of illegal voters for the theft of his favorite pen and a bag of doritos from the White House yesterday, saying that it proved they exist and that they need to write something while they have a snack.

Trump continued to claim that millions of illegal voters had swayed the popular vote against him in the election, despite the fact that the claim has been thoroughly debunked and states have reported almost no voter fraud whatsoever.

"They are throwing it in our faces," said Trump last Sunday. "Saturday, all of the illegal voters gathered and marched in major cities all over America."

Trump called for a major investigation and demanded that police put out an APB for millions of illegal voters, whom he said were roving the countryside, running amok and causing havoc.

"Is everyone blind?" shouted Trump, "I'm very smart. I know things. I see things on TV. I read something about this on Breitbart." Trump was then sedated by doctors and gently led out of the briefing room.

When asked to comment, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell told a joke. "How do you know millions of illegal voters have broken into your backyard?" he said. "Your garbage is gone and your dog is pregnant." He made no further comment.

A majority of forest animals claim bears are not attending schools as often as Education Secretary candidate Betsy DeVos thinks. "I can't remember the last time I've seen a bear here," said a white-tailed deer attending Henderson High School in Yellow Tongue, Wyoming.

Animals throughout the U.S. agreed. A grey wolf between classes told reporters that he wouldn't be taking Spanish if he thought a grizzly might interfere with the conjugation of verbs.

A North American Moose named Giuseppe swore that he had seen bears in the school cafeteria at a high school in Maine, although he later admitted that he had taken Adderol, smoked a joint, and done shots of Stoli an hour before the alleged sighting. "I was soooo fucked up," Giuseppe admitted. "It was awesome."

Donald Trump today spurned reports that he had hired Russian prostitutes to urinate for and possibly on him. "That's not true," he said. "I hired prostitutes of many different nationalities."

Later, Trump poo-poohed the allegations entirely, saying only that he was assisting a prominent American urologist conducting research on possible diabetic irregularities in women of the night.

A Trump spokesperson later held a press conference to address the allegations, but cut it short after crossing her legs frequently and then running out of the room in haste, saying only "He needs me!"

Allegations that Russian intelligence had evidence that Trump had hired prostitutes to engage in" golden showers shows" had been floating around sometime since his election. The allegations, which had been leaking steadily for some time, were ignored by journalists, who declined to investigate because the stories were "thin." "We didn't want to engage in yellow journalism." said one.

The media instead chose to focus on news about digitally transmitted correspondence, or "emails." "Much sexier," said Jake Crapper of cable station MSNPP.

Sources close to Donald Trump revealed that the President-elect is concerned that news of Russian hacking and Russia's campaign to manipulate the result of the election may lead people to the conclusion that Russia manipulated the result of the election.

Trump is also worried that claims of considerable voter suppression, combined with Russia's efforts have cast a cloud over the legitimacy of an election whose result depended on a mere 80,000 votes spread across three states.

"Russia didn't elect me," Trump reportedly said, "Because Russians aren't allowed to vote here, am I right?"

"I can tell you right now that the massive campaign by Russia to make sure that Mr. Trump was elected didn't work," said Kellyanne Conway. "We don't even know the Russians wanted Mr. Trump to be elected."

She told reporters that she had it on good authority that Putin really wanted Hillary Clinton to be elected because he "likes a challenge." She added that the reported celebrations by Putin and his comrades after Trump's election were designed to "hide their immense disappointment."

Trump's own investigation of the election showed no hanky panky had occurred. "I spoke with Julian Assange and Putin myself and they absolutely assured me that they had nothing to do with it," Trump said after several phone calls, "and Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell swore me that all of the voter suppression that occurred was purely coincidental."

Trump then left reporters because, according to spokespeople, he had to be fitted for his crown.

Spokespeople for Donald J. Trump today revealed that the President-Elect's twitter feed was now going to be subscription only starting next Thursday. "And that's when the really great tweets will start pouring in," said Eric Trump as he swilled a golden milkshake made with actual gold. Trump will charge $27 a month for access and $7.95 per retweet.

Trump has decreed that Mexico will be paying for that wall, at the very least. "I will not be asking Congress to pay for that wall -- unless they want to read my tweets," he said.

Trump's twitter feed is "beloved by millions," said KellyAnne Conway. "Some people bought smartphones just so they could get Donald's tweets at the exact moment his tiny fingers post them," she said.