August 30, 2006
Bush Vows To Keep Making Speeches Promising To Save New Orleans

NEW ORLEANS, Aug. 29 -- President Bush, addressing the nation on the anniversary of New Orleans' devastation by Hurricane Katrina, promised "a never-ending flow of empty rhetoric to the areas that need it most." He vowed to continue speechifying about New Orleans "even after New Orleans is long gone," and to do whatever was necessary to convince the American people that he was doing whatever was necessary.

"The words I spoke last year in Jackson Square are still as marginally credible today as they were then," he said.

Bush spoke to a crowd of former New Orleans citizens who agreed with Barbara Bush that being displaced from their homes and losing their jobs was "really working out for them."

At the end of his speech, White House staffers removed the enormous electric generators powering the truckloads of media equipment set up to capture the speech, and Bush fled in his helicopter, leaving New Orleans without a public hospital, sanitation, law enforcement, adequate electricity, or any of the basics of any viable city system currently existing in the United States.

Posted by Tom Burka at 5:31 PM in News

August 8, 2006
Americans Beg Bush To Take Longer Vacation

Implore Cheney, Rumsfeld, Entire White House Staff to Follow Suit

Anguished Americans implored President Bush to "take much longer vacations" after Bush cut his record-long summer vacations somewhat shorter this year.

"The more brush he clears, the better off we are," said Samuel P. Langerhans, a doctor in Maine. Dr. Langerhans reflects the belief of a growing number of Americans who have become aware that Bush's vacations may have been the only thing standing between America and complete disaster. "As bad as things are, imagine if Bush had been working for more than four of the six years he's been in office," said Langerhans.

Signs that many Americans agree with Langerhans abound: A group of concerned Americans has taken a collection to send Bush on a "very, very, very long cruise." In order to increase the chances that Bush would accept such a gift, the group took pains to diguise their offering as a gift from a prominent but corrupt American CEO.

Felix Unterschlocken, a public administration expert, said that studies showed that, contrary to popular belief, New Orleans would not have been saved had Bush actually been paying attention last summer.

"We would have lost Dallas and Orlando, too," he said.

Posted by Tom Burka at 12:27 PM in News

August 1, 2006
Great Moments in Diplomatic History

George W. Bush tells Hezbollah to "stop doing this shit."

Prescott Bush tells Hitler to "cut it out."

Abner Bush tells Khoumeni to "lay off."

Jeroboam Bush tells Alexander the Great to "ease up."

Erraticus Bush tells Caligula to "chill out."

Poppy Bush tells Ida Amin to "chew slowly."

Update: I see the incomparable Kevin Hayden of The American Street has added to the list in the comments. Let's see how far we can go.

Further update: Best Blogging on the Mideast Crisis goes to Billmon of Whiskey Bar (this, for example is just brilliant) and Bill Scher of Liberal Oasis. Absolute must-reads, both of them.

Posted by Tom Burka at 7:25 AM in News