January 17, 2008
Voters Favoring Men More Likely To Vote For Women, Polls Say

Polls out of New Hampshire showed that voters who favored a quick exit from Iraq overwhelmingly voted for Hillary Clinton and John McCain, the two candidates who most favor staying there for long periods of time, up to "one hundred or a thousand years," according to McCain. Those same polls showed that voters who most wanted a male President voted for Hillary Clinton, while those who desire a woman President voted for Rudy Giuliani.

"That's not as irrational as it first sounds," said Professor Josh Kornbluth of the Center For Diseased Pollsters. "Many people see Hillary as very macho, and see Rudy Giuliani as lisping and effeminate." He pointed out that, of the male candidates, Giuliani is the one who has most often worn a dress.

Backing up the New Hampshire polls, polls of likely voters in South Carolina showed that those who want an intelligent President overwhelmingly favor Huckabee, while voters who want their President to only have one wife are certain to vote for Romney.

The South Carolina poll also found that voters who want to see a black man in the White House will vote for Fred Thompson; voters who want change are likely to vote for George W. Bush. "If Bush isn't on the ticket, I'll vote for McCain," said Ira P. Winnowalker, a South Carolinian funeral parlor director who really wants "a huge break from the policies of the current administration."

"It may be that voters are not very logical," said Professor Kornbluth. "Perhaps voters are as some say, uninformed, fickle, or dumb."

Professor Kornbluth paused momentarily and stroked his chin before adding, "Or maybe we should stop reading these stupid polls."

Cross-posted at The American Street.

Posted by Tom Burka at 6:56 PM in News

January 3, 2008
Iowa Caucus Organizers Admit They Just Make Results Up

Dane Goodman, official overseer of the Iowa caucuses, admitted today that no one really understands how the Iowa caucuses are supposed to be conducted, and that every four years, he and two other state officials just "make up some results."

Goodman explained the procedure that the caucuses were supposed to employ. "People gather at chosen locations, group themselves by candidate, and somehow they exclude some of the candidates or something, and then they call us and try to tell us what happened. But in the end we just pick some numbers out of a hat," he said.

Goodman admitted that he and his fellow officials usually don't even wait for the caucuses to report back to them, but instead just read the latest poll, change the numbers a little and fill out some forms indicating the alleged results.

He defended his committee's procedures. "Let's face it, this is just as democratic a process as the caucuses ever were."

Goodman revealed that, in 2004, the committee was pretty sure that Howard Dean had actually won the caucuses by a hefty margin, but found that "so hard to believe" that it picked John Kerry instead.

In the future, Goodman promised that primary overseers would scrupulously follow the correct caucusing procedures.

"As soon as someone figures out just what they are," he said.

Cross-posted at The American Street.

Posted by Tom Burka at 2:02 PM in News