The FBI today revealed that an investigation which had first revealed that CIA Chief General Petraeus was having one or two affairs, or possibly six, has now implicated other military figures in what an FBI spokesman called "ridiculous amounts of sex."

"It seems that America's military leaders are almost as insatiable as members of Congress," Special Agent Vilmos Zladek told the press.

The FBI has been investigating to see, among other things, if improper relations between high ranking officials and civilians had resulted in the disclosure of sensitive information.

"What we're concerned with here is security, yes, but also a complete lack of productivity," said Zladek. FBI agents have discovered tens of thousands of pages containing emails between General John Allen, the top military officer in Afghanistan and Jill Kelly, an extremely buxom socialite from Tampa, prompting agents to wonder how General Allen had time to do anything else -- for instance, to direct military operations in Afghanistan, walk, or shave. The FBI has not yet concluded whether Allen was having an affair with Kelly because it is possible, Zladek noted, that they were too busy writing emails to have sex with one another.

Lily Fitzsimmons of Little Brisket, Wisconsin, agreed that the FBI was right to investigate Petraus, who is married with children; Broadwell, who is married with children; Kelly, who is married but with whom children refuse to be associated; and other military figures. "I'm actually not so worried about the security implications or whether these people were really doing their jobs," she said. "I'm concerned with whether these people have the capacity to think, feel, or reason."