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    November 14, 2008
    Missouri To Keep Electoral Votes, Will Remain White

    Has Decided to Save Electoral Votes for 2012

    ec-results-map.png

    The State of Missouri has decided to remain the sole white state among the fifty otherwise red or blue states that have pledged electoral votes towards candidates for the office of U.S. President after deciding to "bank" its electoral votes in advance of the next election.

    "We're pretty frustrated with what we see as a lack of a voice in the outcome of these Presidential contests," said Missouri Secretary of State Hannah Clyland. "We figure that with 22 electoral votes in 2012, or 33 in 2016, we can put an end to this constant harping on Ohio, Pennsylvania and Florida."

    Political analysts have been baffled since November 5, when, although 100% of Missouri's votes had been counted, Missouri failed to declare a winner in the race for President. "We were all, like, hey, what happened to Missouri?" said analyst Chuck Todd of MSNBC. Todd initially speculated in a television broadcast last Tuesday night that Missouri was remaining "white" in solidarity with Canada and Mexico.

    Today the Missouri Secretary of State admitted that Missouri has decided not to award its electoral votes to either candidate this year, but would "save them up for the future."

    "We're going to keep our electoral votes for the next Presidential contest," Secretary of State Clyland told reporters Thursday afternoon. She declared that not only was it prudent to do so, it was a good example to consumers in today's "spendthrift economy."

    Posted by Tom Burka at 4:37 PM in NewsTop Stories

    November 6, 2008
    Presidential Daily Briefings

    President-elect Barack Obama will learn the full "burdens of office" tomorrow when he receives his first top secret briefing from the Director of National Intelligence, Mike McConnell.

    President-elect Obama began receiving Presidential Daily Briefings (PDBs) from the CIA today. "President Obama will get exactly the same daily briefing that President Bush receives," said White House Press flack Dana Perino. Perino vigorously denied allegations that, for years, Dick Cheney had forced the CIA to "shape" its briefings to Bush to support particular political views.

    OYSH has received copies of today's daily briefing for the President and the President-elect. Here are some excerpts:

    Presidential Daily Briefing (Obama)

    Good morning, Mr. President-elect.

    The situation in Iraq is incredibly fragile, with distinct factions in both Sunni and Shi'ite camps precariously balanced against each other. Violence could re-erupt at any moment. Civil discontent is high. Electricity and water supplies are still below pre-war levels and Iraqis are increasingly frustrated with the American occupation.

    Presidential Daily Briefing (Bush)

    Good morning, Mr. President!

    It's another great day in America.

    Things couldn't be better in Iraq. Those people are just lapping up the freedom. Sources indicate that we have been greeted as saviors. The war has been won! Iraqis are thankful that the Americans are still present in great numbers to make their lives better and serve the cause of liberty.

    Presidential Daily Briefing (Obama)

    Iran is clearly working on developing the ability to manufacture nuclear weapons. We estimate that this will take at least six years. The situation requires careful monitoring, but we believe diplomacy and U.N. pressure is safer than even the limited use of military force.

    Presidential Daily Briefing (Bush)

    Iran will drop a nuclear bomb on Israel as early as next Thursday.

    Presidential Daily Briefing (Obama)

    North Korea has restarted its nuclear program. Kim Jong Il has suffered a stroke but factions vying for control of the government are fighting about whether to break with Jong Il's warlike tendencies or to develop a missile that can hit California.

    Presidential Daily Briefing (Bush)

    North Korea is still right above South Korea. Everything's just fine!

    Presidential Daily Briefing (Obama)

    The world economy is headed for even sharper declines. This will likely create more resentment and anger toward the United States.

    Presidential Daily Briefing (Bush)

    The need for oil continues to produce record profits for oil companies all over the world that will trickle down to enrich the temporarily depressed markets . Prices are low but there are some good values out there! Everything's fantastic! In response to your question about the world marketplace, Mr. President, it is still possible to get a good hamburger outside of the United States.

    Presidential Daily Briefing (Obama)

    We are entering very dangerous waters, with challenges regarding nuclear proliferation, the terrorist threat in Afghanistan, Russia's increasing tendency to use military force to expand its influence in defiance of the rest of the world, and other threats to the security of the nation. The present executive's disregard of some of our warnings and advice has greatly contributed to the current unstable and perilous world environment.

    Presidential Daily Briefing (Bush)

    Your policies have never been more effective! Things look grim, but they're really not! Peace and prosperity are just around the corner. Some day, history will recognize your utter genius. Good job, Mr. President!

    Posted by Tom Burka at 9:27 PM in News | Comments (2)

    November 4, 2008
    The 2008 OYSH Election Day Voting Guide

    Hurry Up and Wait

    TWO YEARS. It's been two years of campaigning. The field of Presidential candidates was winnowed to twenty-six people.

    You did not stand idly by during all this. You listened to speeches. You suffered through cable news. You watched countless debates. You were there when the twelve Republican candidates fell over themselves telling the GOP electorate how much crueler they would be to illegal immigrants than the guy standing next to them. (The sole exception being, if you can possibly imagine it, John McCain, who was practically booed by his fellow Republicans on the stage when he said you had to think about "human decency." The old John McCain.)

    You initially supported Kucinich, in part because of his political stance, in part because he has a really hot wife. They look interesting when they stand together because he's about four feet high and she's six and a half. You continued to support him even when, at one of the debates, he tried to explain his sighting of a UFO when he was the Mayor of Cleveland.

    The primaries lasted forever, right up to the summer. McCain ended up the GOP candidate by a process of attritiion. Hillary and Obama supporters stopped speaking to one another. There were twenty-eight debates between Hillary and Obama even though they had almost exactly the same positions on everything. The two would-be nominees spent millions and millions of dollars straining to say how they would close Gitmo differently.

    And then the general campaign started.

    You were exhausted. You needed a vacation. When you took one, the Democrats held their convention, and when you had to get the kids back to a new year at school, the Republicans held theirs. The GOP became the POP -- the Party of Palin. More debates, more speeches, mudslinging, name calling.

    TWO YEARS. After 57 debates, 3027 pundits, 17 anchors, 400 newspaper endorsements and two town hall meetings, the time has finally come for you to

    Wait.

    You're going to be waiting today. Because we have fewer voting booths per capita than Iraq has ballot boxes.

    Voting Essentials

    Lawn chair.

    Twelve kinds of ID.

    Proof of Residence at Recently Foreclosed Home.

    Proust's Remembrance of Things Past.

    Laptop, DVDs of "Brideshead Revisited" and small portable generator.

    Team of Lawyers (for help with provisional ballot).

    401-k (to be shown to Republican standing next to you).

    Four pound bag containing daughter's Halloween candy.

    Video iPod loaded with Will I. Am's "Yes, We Can," The Who's "Won't Get Fooled Again," and Nixon's "I Am Not A Crook" speech.

    Box of Tissues (for occasional bouts of tearful relief that nightmare of past eight years might soon be over).

    Proof that Democrats Vote on Tuesday.

    Courage

    "Mission Accomplished" Banner (to be unfurled over voting booth upon finally emerging).

    Posted by Tom Burka at 9:44 AM in News

    Dixville Notch Swings Election, Elects Obama

    The small town of Dixville Notch, New Hampshire today decided a very close election when its twenty inhabitants resoundingly chose Barack Obama by a three to one margin, breaking a tie throughout the rest of the nation.

    Polls had indicated that the nationwide contest would be close, and both candidates were forced to spend precious resources campaigning in this tiny "swing" hamlet of twenty registered voters. Obama and McCain have spent many days of the past two weeks camped out in this practically microscopic berg, Joe Biden spent seven days here, and Sarah Palin herself spent over $40,000 on clothes.

    Posted by Tom Burka at 12:28 AM in News | Comments (3)