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March 27, 2007
Justice Aide To Invoke 5th, 6th And 7th Amendments To Avoid Testifying
Monica Goodling, an aide to Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, is refusing to testify before Congress this week. She is invoking the Fifth Amendment on the grounds that the Senate Judiciary Committee "might ask her questions in a public forum under oath on a Thursday." She also took the Sixth and Seventh Amendments in an abundance of caution. Reluctant witnesses all over the country -- that is, members of the Bush Administration -- were inspired by Goodling's stance. Sources now say Gonzales is thinking of taking the Third Amendment this coming Thursday, and Karl Rove has now agreed not to testify on the grounds that it may infuriate him. Vice President Cheney is looking to invoke some part of the Constitution, but has been unable to find so far any part of the Constitution that means anything to him. In fact, Republicans everywhere said that, if forced to testify before Congress, they will invoke the Prime Directive, saying that they are part of an advanced civilization and cannot help America's primitive society. "I'm going to take the Eighteenth," said one man, immediately taking a long pull on a fifth of Irish whiskey. Experts agreed with Goodling's invocation of the Fifth Amendment. "It could certainly incriminate her to testify," said legal scholar Chaimlich Manure. "Requiring a Republican to talk under oath is essentially an instant perjury trap." Note: I have some remarks on Goodling's invocation of the Fifth over at Talking Points Memo (posing as the mysterious "TPM reader TB"). 
March 22, 2007
Excerpts from the Missing Emails Concerning the U.S. Attorney Purge
To: Alberto Gonzales, Attorney General Judge, I'm concerned that the Democrat Congress is going to require us to testify and swear under oath soon. What should we say? Paul Paul, What the hell is this "testimony" and "oath swearing"? As you may know, I was a Judge in Texas and these concepts are not used down there. Judge Judge, You and I both know the President's views on swearing, and he says he will be G-d effing damned if a member of his office is forced to swear in public. Harriet Miers Judge, They say they want the truth. Paul Paul, I want the truth to come out just as much as the next man. The next man being Karl Rove. Judge To: Karl Rove Seeking your instructions on giving the truth on the U.S. Attorney matter. Please advise. Paul McNulty Paul, You know that saying, the truth shall set you free? Have you ever heard the saying, the truth shall get you five to fifteen, or three to five if you become a cooperating witness? Rove Karl, So we should lie? Paul Paul, I was joking. I want the truth to come out as much as the next man. The next man being Dick Cheney. Karl Dick, Seeking advice on testifying before Congress on the U.S. Attorney thing. Karl said something about the truth, but it was unclear. Judge Judge, I want the truth to come out. Preferably in a small room with the blinds drawn and some very loud music playing over it. And no transcripts! Tell them we'll let them take notes on cocktail napkins. Black cocktail napkins that they have to leave with us. Dick Dick, And by truth you mean? Judge Judge, The same stuff we do whenever our lips move. Dick Dick, Hypothetically: If someone were to kind of bend the truth under oath, they could still be nominated to the Supreme Court, right? Judge Judge, Please direct questions like this to Justice Roberts. Dick
March 8, 2007
Bush Pardons Fitzgerald
President Bush issued a pardon for prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald today in order to "excuse him" for the "skewed system of justices" that caused the conviction of I. Lewis Libby earlier this week. The pardon for Fitzgerald came after conservatives convicted Fitzgerald of treason in a secret courtroom located in a small country near the coast of Florida, sources said. The President also put John Bolton in charge of fixing what he called "broke justice." "This trial of Libby was a travesty," said Bolton. Mary Matalin, Cheney's longtime counselor agreed. "Everyone knows the only fair trial is one where Republicans decide the outcome behind closed doors," she said. Bolton gave some indication of the reforms he planned to bring to the American criminal justice system. "First thing we do is kill all the lawyers," he said. The President's pardon of Fitzgerald came as a complete surprise, especially since conservatives have been calling for a pardon of Libby, not Fitzgerald. The President has suggested that he has no plans to pardon Libby, although he had privately indicated that -- perhaps in honor of Libby -- he plans to have a serious memory lapse shortly after the next Presidential election. In other news, Guantanamo detainees are petitioning their U.S. captors for "the Libby treatment." Hat tip to R.S.
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