September 30, 2003
Laura Bush Defects; Looks Forward To Sleeping With The Enemy
A relieved Laura Bush today announced that she was a "free spirit, yearning to be free," and was "shacking up" with a French "gentleman of culture."
"I've had it with that baseball-loving yahoo," she said.
Laura Bush described her soon-to-be former husband as a "would-be jock" who "wears the same underwear for weeks at a time."
"People don't see it," she said.
She also said that she was weary of "all that God talk."
Every day Karl Rove would tell the President how many times to mention God. "It got real tired real fast," she said. "Thank God" -- she smiled -- "I don't have to listen to that horseshit anymore."
Laura Bush was planning to enroll in the Sorbonne, wear pants, smoke cigars, and spend her spare time going to the ballet, opera, and meditating in Notre Dame.
September 28, 2003
Ashcroft: Investigation Of CIA Outing Concluded Months Ago
Patriot Act Permitted Justice Department To Secretly Investigate, Prosecute, And Execute Unnamed Suspect
John Ashcroft announced today that a requested investigation of White House officials by CIA Director George Tenet had already been concluded months ago, and that "the individual or individuals who did it, if any, have already been prosecuted, sentenced, and executed."
Tenet had asked Ashcroft to investigate the deliberate release of CIA agent Valerie Plame's name to the press in retaliation for husband Joseph Wilson's anti-administration statements.
"The Patriot Act is a wonderful thing," said Ashcroft. "I was able to go after these boys with the same vehemence I normally reserve for users of medical marijuana, sodomists, and would-be terrorists like Jose Padilla. And this time, we may or may not have gotten our man."
Ashcroft went on to say that disclosing the identity of a secret agent was an act of treason, a crime that strikes at the very soul of our government, and at the heart of our country.
"I pulled no punches in investigating this matter, left no stone unturned, ignored no impropriety. I answer to no one," said Ashcroft.
It was at that moment that an aide poked his head into the room. "Karl Rove is calling for you, General."
Ashcroft stood up like a shot. "I have to go," he said, and he was gone.
September 25, 2003
Invisible WMD's Everywhere, Says Draft Report
Saddam Hussein had an advanced invisibility program, a draft report on the search for WMD's is to say. David Kay is set to reveal next week that there are countless untold WMD's virtually everywhere in , but we just can't see them.
The revelation set off a new search in . "We're searching for invisible bacteria, invisible viruses, invisible missiles, invisible anthrax, invisible pixie dust, and invisible atoms, which could be used to develop invisible nuclear weapons," said Captain Kronic Fatigue of the Weapons Detection Divison of the Twenty-Third Battalion Expeditionary Force.
"All that we've found so far is an invisible weapons program," he said.
Judith Miller of the New York Times said that her reports of the imminent disclosure of WMD's, filed constantly during the course of the war, had finally been vindicated.
"Ahmed Chalabi has been warning us about invisibility for a long time, but we just couldn't see it," said a White House official whose head and face were wrapped entirely in gauze bandages.
Donald Rumsfeld was uncharacterically smug as he recalled his earlier remarks to the American press that "just because you can't see them, that doesn't mean they aren't there."
"This likely explains why we haven't been able to find Saddam Hussein," he said.
September 24, 2003
Al Jazeera Happy Not To Have To Cover Disaster Anymore; Planning To Run Episodes of I Love Lucy Instead
A Better Farce, Say Programmers
Arabian television station al Jazeera was relieved to hear of the U.S. decision to ban their coverage of the disastrous occupation of Iraq today.
Mohammed "Scoop" Cabali, a reporter for al Jazeera, said, "We knew it was only a matter of time before we were held to the same rule as the American reporters. And just when I had gotten that exclusive interview with Chalabi on the secret caches of WMD's which only he knows about."
The Iraqi public was equally delighted. "Finally, no more of this gloom and doom, " said Baghdad citizen Zuben Mehta. "No, not the conductor. Anyway, we are not that different from Americans. I mean, if we had electricity, we'd just sit around watching Three's Company all the time anyway."
"All of this news was really just depressing the heck of out of us," said Mehta. "That, the lack of potable water, and the fact that American soldiers keep shooting us."
September 23, 2003
Bush Administration To Star In Remake Of Oliver; Orphan Pickpockets Object
George W. Goes To U.N. With Bowl In Hand; Beggars Resent Comparison
Beggars objected to the startling revelation that George W. Bush was to be cast in a remake of Oliver. Bush will play the title role. The epic Dickens musical will be restaged to show orphan George W. Bush being thrown out of the United Nations for asking for support from the member countries when he's gotten quite as much as he deserves.
Bush will then fall in with a bad crowd of neocons, with Donald Rumsfeld as Fagin and Karl Rove as the Artful Dodger.
"It's not a fair representation of beggars," said Will Smythe of the 14 Farthings Row Flophouse in Kennery, England outside London.
"Most beggars ask for money and stuff," he said. "They know better than to insult you when they're doing it."
September 22, 2003
Clark "Green Army Men" To Tangle With Dean's "Birkenstock Brigade"; Sharks And Jets Pushed Off Home Turf
Deanies and Clarkites Pursued By Officer Krupke
Clark supporters and Dean promoters called a rumble to be held Wednesday night to determine who stakes out the heart of the Democratic party. Allowable weapons are antiwar slogans, grass roots, domestic and foreign policy credentials, and large and small blogging devices.
"Don't go!" Mona Fisk cried tearfully to her roommate of three years, Dean devotee Sam Patel, who has spent the weekend sharpening a paper clip he uses to pry jammed disks from his CD-ROM drive. "We haven't divided the calls on the long distance phone bill!"
Frenchy O'Neill, from the Clark clan, promised victory. "I don't know how the Dean people will survive. We have thirty-plus years of military experience collectively, if you count the candidate. Plus I've got a blogroll and I'm not afraid to use it."
Dean followers espoused a take-no-prisoners approach, which includes berating the Clark gang and "disabling their comments."
Bernard Filbar, a liberal who is on the fence, is looking forward to the tussle. "I just want to watch. The Clark dudes will be fighting top-down, and the Deanies will be bottom-up. I'm not sure what that means, but I think they may be in exactly the same positions."
September 18, 2003
Hurricane Isabel Scatters Miss America Contestants Over Northeast
Miss Nebraska In New Hampshire
Atlantic City, NJ - Fierce winds from Hurricane Isabel have temporarily halted the Miss America pageant. Although ten contestants have been able to seek shelter behind Miss New York's big hair, others have not been so fortunate.
Miss Nebraska was swept away to New Hampshire, and several other Misses were blown anywhere other than New Jersey or their home states.
Clay Aiken, the spindly singer from American Idol who was to perform a musical number with the contestants, was blown clear across the Atlantic to Europe. The always-upbeat Aiken, reached at a Paris salon, piped, "It was great! I loved it! I love you, America!"
All of the contestants have been accounted for but one. Miss Kansas was caught up in the funnel of the hurricane and has mysteriously vanished, along with a cow, a house, and a woman peddling a bicycle.
September 17, 2003
GOP On Petition Drive To Recall Clark Announcement
The GOP has collected hundreds of thousands of signatures, mostly from Karl Rove, so they can "go to court immediately" to recall Wesley Clark's announcement that he is running for President.
The GOP is being joined in the action by lobbyists on behalf of tort reform, who say that "Wesley Clark will do nothing to stem the tide of litigation that is destroying our country."
Republicans are also exploring other ways to use the courts to block Clark's candidacy. The RNC is seeking a permanent injunction to stop Clark from entering the race, on the grounds that it would constitute an infringement of their alleged trademark, President®.
The White House is considering an action to recover three of General Clark's four stars. A spokesman for the White House declined to say on what ground they were proceeding, except to say, "They're our stars and he can't have them. That's our position."
Another possible tactic would be to increase the highest rank of a General to twelve stars, so that four stars does "not seem like so much of a big deal," said one unnamed staffer.
Karl Rove could not be reached for comment. He was said to be resting his hand.
Read More »
September 16, 2003
Al Qaeda Spokesman Says Spokeswoman Slot Still Open
"Given the choice, it's better to be viewed as a foot soldier for Bush than a spokeswoman for al-Qaeda."
The question of whether it is preferable to be a foot soldier for Bush or a spokeswoman for al Qaeda is becoming highly contested in these days of near-record unemployment.
On the one hand, foot soldiers for Bush are required to hump 60 pound packs across a hundred miles of desert with only hot water and MRE's, stand guard in 120-degree heat while wearing a helmet and a kevlar vest, expose oneself to hails of gunfire, possibly fatal traffic collisions, spend time in Fallujah, and endure unending seperation from one's home and family -- unless, of course, they are posing as "reporters" for Fox News, said a Pentagon spokesman, Mary Strindberg.
Trena Briganti said that reporting for Fox News had its own challenges. "It's not all glamor," said Briganti. "Sometimes it gets a tad hot under these lights and my nose gets all shiny."
The position of spokeswoman for al Qaeda has not been filled, but a recent want-ad denoted the following requirements:
Must live in caves. Ability to travel at night under cover with hundreds of loyal followers required. Must have secret channel to transmit videos to al Jazeera. Complimentary burnooses provided.
A spokesman for al Qaeda said, "We're looking for someone like Aaron Brown, but more feminine."
September 15, 2003
Bush Administration Learns From Its Mistakes (Or Would, If It Made Any)
I'm tired of all this sickening questioning of the Bush Administration's motives and credibility. The people in the White House are simply infallible. Accept it and move on.
When Vice President Dick told Tim Russert yesterday that there were links between al Qaeda and in the planning of 9/11, and that there was some possibility that Mohammed Atta had met with a senior i official, well, people should listen up, or shut up. Thoroughly discredited? Not by anyone we know or care about, thank you.
also resoundingly mentioned, as he should, that the post-war plan was moving ahead swimmingly. I fully intend to vacation in as soon as I can get away from this hectic schedule. A couple of weeks in Baghdad or Fallujah will do me good.
Colin Powell once again told those nasty know-nothing Frenchmen to go take a hike, especially when they questioned the wisdom of sending their own men to to die and pledging their own hard-won francs (Euros? What are they using over there? Cheese?) to American leadership. I think we can all agree that it's American leadership that got us here today and it's American know-how that's put us in the catbird seat over in . And those French folks should put up, or put up and shut up. Either way, I don't care.
And what about these naysayers who claim we're spending our way into an economic hole? And that financial "disaster" is coming? I'll believe a disaster is on its way when Tom Ridge tells me it is and not before, buckos, and anyone else who wants to pipe up should pipe down.
And so what about that report by David Kay about Saddam's attempts to try to develop programs that could make WMD's? So what if it's not going to come out? It doesn't matter. WMD's had nothing to do with our invading in the first place. Can you people just move on, already?
If you can't get with the program, then just hold your tongues, and let the program drag you along to peace, prosperity, and everlasting happiness. I understand that if we let Bush and finish with their master plan, 23 virgins will wait upon us hand and foot in heaven.
September 13, 2003
Bush Thanks Troops For Getting Rid Of All The Tigers
Today, President Bush spoke to U.S. troops in Georgia. . . . Although the United States has not found caches of chemical or biological weapons in Iraq, he said, "Because of our military, catastrophic weapons will no longer be in the hands of a reckless dictator."In a village in Africa, a prominent businessman had begun demonstrating strange behavior. He spent all his time plucking imaginary objects out of the air with his fingers. The businessman's wife called a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist asked the businessman what he was doing.
The businessman said, "I'm picking the fruitflies out of the air to get rid of all the man-eating tigers."
The psychiatrist said, "There are no tigers in Africa."
The businessman smiled.
"See how well it works?"
Read More »
September 12, 2003
Bush To Hunt Down "Servants of Evil"; Good Servants Hard To Find
President Bush today pledged to hunt down some servants of evil, because, he said, "it's so hard to get good help these days."
Bush, who has lots of servants but is master of none, is now looking for a butler of evil, a gardener of evil, a chauffer of evil, a cleaning lady of evil, a valet of evil, a cook of evil, and "maybe a plumber or an electrician of evil."
Bush also mentioned that a side benefit of coralling some servants of evil is that it would make things harder for the "masters of evil," who would then have to do everything for themselves.
"Then they'd be too tired and busy to do any actual evil," Bush suggested.
The first servant of evil that Bush has his sights on is Juana Magdalena Josefina del Fernando, who works for Evil Korean Dictator Kim Jong Il.
The 28-year-old illegal immigrant was surprised to hear that President Bush was after her.
"Man, I don't want to work for no Bush. I got three sisters working for him already."
September 11, 2003
Mysterious Campaign Donations From "Al Kayder" and "Ben Lahden" May Have Influenced Decision To Invade Iraq
The RNC and President Bush have received substantial contrubutions over the past two years from two individuals named "Al Kayder" and "Ben Lahden," who the GOP claim are nothing more than "two used-car salesmen from Scranton, PA."
The two Scranton individuals have funneled hundreds of thousands of dollars to the GOP from companies called "Al and Ben's Cars That Have Been Owned By American Peoples," "Joe's Car Parts From Cars Driven By American Peoples," and a company that purports to repackage used car oil and sell it back to car owners.
Lawyers from the American Federation of Campaign Financing Violations Committed By Terrorists found the campaign donations suspicious.
"The President's actions don't really make much sense," said lawyer Marjory Morningstar.
"Among other things," she said, "in the two years since the 9/11 attack, Bush bankrupted the treasury, weakened the military, and created a dangerous terrorist free-for-all in the Middle East where one never existed before."
"He let the Saudis off, let bin Laden escape when 'he was completely cornered,' didn't chase him into Pakistan when he did escape, allowed the Taliban to regroup in Afghanistan, and destroyed the most significant alliances America has had to aid us in the war against terror." (A more complete list is below the fold.)*
"Could there be a connection between the money -- from two men in almost seductively flimsy burnooses carrying cases of used motor oil and loose cash -- and the President's actions?" said Morningstar.
In response to the claim that Bush was at the bidding of terrorists posing under the names of "Al Kayder" and "Ben Lahden," Karl Rove issued a short statement:
There was no influence peddling or quid pro quo for these entirely legal contributions. No evidence exists to suggest anything other than that President Bush accomplished these things all by himself.
Read More »
September 10, 2003
Coffee Stain On Road Map Mistakenly Led Middle East Leaders Over Edge Of Cliff
A coffee stain that was accidentally left on the road map for peace in the Middle East was mistaken for a crucial waypoint. Unfortunately, the coffee stain marked the edge of a cliff.
Condoleezza Rice parked her overfull coffee mug on the road map early in 2002, when it was sitting on the desk of Paul Wolfowitz. The stain was not noticed until recently, when then-Prime Minister Abbas drove the peace initiative off the cliff into an abyss, where it appears to be in ruins, completely out of the reach of any rescuer.
Wolfowitz denied that the road map had not been cared for properly. "We took every precaution to ensure the safety and security of the road map," said Wolfowitz. "It was a carefully crafted and meticulous plan."
White House staffer Hamilton Butt had a different story. "If only we had looked at it a little more closely, we would have seen the coffee stain. You could also see that Karl Rove had eaten an Italian sub with oil and vinegar over it."
Further inquiries have uncovered that the road map had been used to wax Donald Rumsfeld's car, as a handkerchief for Dick one day when he had an awful cold, to buff some of the silver in the White House dining room, and as a dropcloth for painting the Roosevelt room.
"Actually, you couldn't read much of anything on that map," admitted Butt. "I don't know how we could have given it to the Middle East in that state, or how it could have served as guidance for anyone."
September 09, 2003
Judge Not Permitted To Know He Serves On Secret U.S. Court
Information Classified, Say Unknown People Who Won't Tell Us Their Names
Retired Judge Darryl Withering suspects that he is serving on the secret court that reviews applications of government investigators under the Patriot Act. However, he has been told that whether he is a member of the ultrasecret body of jurists is classified.
"I suspect I am," said Judge Withering, "because I keep signing redacted orders in response to redacted motions that pretty much have only dates on them."
Judge Withering had been signing the papers because they were brought to him by men driving a van with a Publisher's Clearinghouse logo on it.
Judge Withering contacted the Justice Department, who asked him "What secret court?" and also "If it's so secret, how do you know about it?"
Judge Withering continues to sign the papers containing text that is almost completely blacked out. "Maybe someday I'll get to meet Ed McMahon," he said.
"McMahon or John Ashcroft," he added.
Read More »
September 08, 2003
Rove Shocked That Only 70% of Americans Wrongly Believe Hussein Caused 9/11
"How is it we couldn't reach the other 30 percent?" he demanded. "Where did we go wrong?"
"With all the crap we've been saying about Saddam and Iraq, it should be well into the nineties," Rove added.
Read More »
Department of Homeland Security Moving To Iraq; Misunderstands Dictum Of "Follow The Money"
The Department of Homeland Security, critically hobbled by insufficient funding in its mission to secure the nation, today announced that it would be moving to Iraq in order to "better provide for the security needs of the American people."
"We need money," said Elmer Fishrot, Undersecretary for Begging. "And last night's speech by the President made it clear that there's a lot of money to be had over there. We've been told over and over again that there isn't any lying around here."
The "Bring Your Pocket Change To Us" program has not been much of a success, he added.
"President Bush made clear that the key to American safety is in Iraq," said Fishrot. "And we're taking him at his word."
"Now if we could just raise enough money to move . . ."
September 07, 2003
Update on Presidential Address
a repentant George W. Bush told the country that the decision to invade Iraq was "wrongheaded," that the failure to get the support of the United Nations was "the largest diplomatic failure in American history," and that his handling of "post-war" Iraq was "disastrous."
Tonight, George W. Bush asked the country for an ungodly sum of money, and told them that everything was going exactly according to plan.
Bush Unaware That Big Speech To European Allies Will Be Broadcast Only To Americans
President Bush is to make a prime-time conciliatory appeal to countries that opposed the war in Iraq tonight, apparently unaware that his address will not be broadcast abroad.
"I want all you out there in France and Germany, and the other few countries that did not join our enormous two-country Coalition of the Willing, to know that while we did not all agree on the need to go to war, we can all agree that there is a need to stop the chaos that has sprung from this -- so you say-- unnecessary, arrogant and dangerous war," Bush will say.
Bush is expected to make personal appeals to the leaders of France, Germany, Russia, China, and many others.
"Mr. Chirac," Bush will say, "We like chocolate, and the world thanks you for it. And weasels are an important part of the ecosystem."
It is unclear how Americans will receive the address to the rest of the world that can only be received in their own homes.
Ted Fukes, an insurance salesman in Indiana, was confused: "He's gonna call who a weasel?"
Sally Tendril, a housewife from Michigan, said, "Well, if I were the President of France I sure would give serious thought to President Bush's words and jump right on his bandwagon. And I sure will tell whatever Frenchman is the President of France the next time I meet him."
September 05, 2003
Old But Gold
Showtime Horror Flick, Filmed in Karl Rove-a-VisionTM, To Air On Sunday
I wrote about this wonderful film earlier. As a pleasant reminder that DC 9/11: Time of Crisis finally will be shown on Showtime, this Sunday night at 8 p.m., I reprise the following. (President Bush, suspiciously, has just scheduled a speech at the same time. But wouldn't you rather watch Timothy Bottoms "uncannily impersonate" him?)
Two-Hour Campaign Commercial Most Frightening Film Ever
The Big Dance, a cross between Frankenstein and War of the Worlds, is about a powermad dictator who hijacks the U.S. government, hypnotizes the people and installs a dumb non-elected idiot in the White House who will do his bidding. Timothy Bottoms will play the willing puppet of a crazed Machiavellian schemer who capitalizes on the worst tragedy in American history to maintain power, and plunges the world into war for personal gain while forsaking all at home except for the few privileged rich he needs to keep him and his schemes alive.
"I've never seen anything so scary," boasted Tod Schmeckman, of Showtime Films. "This film will literally make your blood congeal." He went on to say the film was "kind of like Pinky and the Brain but much grimmer: Pinky is much more presentable, wears suits with expensive ties, and works out a lot, so he stays in shape and plays well to cameras. The Brain is far more frightening than his cartoon counterpart -- he doesn't have the fantastic voice of Orson Wells, and he's diabolically smarter. Even spookier, he stays completely behind the scenes, a terrifying unseen presence, like the ghosts in The Haunting, but much, much more -- did I say terrifying?"
The film also utilizes Karl Rove-a-vision® , an immersive interactive technique where viewers are placed under electronically controlled Scottish sweaters and chains, so that at critical points in the story, their chains are yanked and the wool is pulled over their eyes.
Screenwriter Lionel Chetwynd, writer of the award-winning drama movie The Apprenticeship of Duddy Kravitz, said, "I always wanted to do horror. It wasn't until the Bush Administration that the right material came along to do it with."
Originally published on May 29, 2003.
Watch out! Democratic Candidates' Debate Causes Homeland Security Alert
The Department of Homeland Secuity issued a terrorist attack advisory due to "a non-spontaneous gathering of Democrats in Albuquerque, New Mexico" today.
"There's no question but that terrorists are far more likely to strike when Democrats are planning to unseat the current President," said a Homeland Security Secretary who wished to remain nameless, Tom Ridge.
"Or during any open debate," added Ridge. "Terrorists love open debate on issues domestic and foreign policy."
"Look, they're planning to hijack our planes!" said Ridge. "Over there!"
Ridge said that he wouldn't raise the terrorist threat level to orange from yellow because he was waiting until September 11 to do that.
"We can't raise it twice in one month," explained Ridge. "Then we'd risk having to raise it past red up to purple or something. Off the scale, anyway."
Reporter Brusque Flatbread of the Mississippi Daily Gamboler asked Ridge how a gathering of Democrats could possibly warrant issuing a threat alert.
"Because of . . . an increase . . . in, uh, chatter. Yeah, that's right. Increase in chatter. Can't say more. "
Ridge then cried, "To the ChickenLittle-Mobile! Away!"
September 04, 2003
New Jersey Man Regrets Villifying French; Wants To Kiss Wife "That Way" Again, Other Things
Frank Durso of New Jersey, who poured 70 cases of French wine into the toilet, hired a dump truck to deposit 500 pounds of dead frogs in front of the French Mission to the U.N., and pulled his son out of french class at school this past February, feels that he may gotten a little "carried away."
"I guess I just got swept up in the whole anti-French thing," said Durso, who, among other things, wishes he hadn't thrown out the 17th century French country table which was the centerpiece of his kitchen.
"I want our hot dog mustard back, our favorite salad dressing, the toast, our Jerry Lewis tapes," he said, wistfully. "I wish I hadn't gotten rid of our poodle."
Durso's 14-year-old daughter is having a hard time forgiving him for legally changing her name from Veronique to Gladys.
"Now I'm Gladys Durso, you bastard," she told him.
Today, Frank Durso practically mourns those lost cases of wine. "I thought I was being patriotic," Durso said in despair. "I was just being stupid."
"I could sure use a couple bottles of that Merlot right now."
September 03, 2003
Powell and Kofi Annan Back Together; "We Couldn't Hide Our Forbidden Love," Says Couple
Secretary of State Colin Powell and U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan have decided they cannot fight destiny and that they "must be together," said a White House spokesperson today.
"I was wrong to leave you," Powell is expected to tearfully admit when he returns to the United Nations in the near future under the pretense of asking for help in reshaping Iraq.
The encounter between Kofi Annan and Powell is expected to be the most ardent demonstration of affection since Madonna kissed Britney Spears on the lips in a spontaneous, unscripted moment of passion hitherto unseen by MTV fans.
The couple are to meet in a romantic French restaurant in Soho. Powell will say, "How's this for a resolution? I want to bear your love child," and Kofi Annan will order a "double helping of forbidden love."
The love that dare not speak its name: Diplomacy.
September 01, 2003
Bush Reassures Nation, Creates One Job
"Things are getting better," George W. Bush told a group of union workers this Labor Day. He then dazzled workers by creating a job right in front of them, announcing the creation of a new position, Assistant Secretary of Commerce for Manufacturing.
Bush then cried, "That's one job today! There it is -- a job, baby!"
Bush then calmed himself and said: "We're gonna create a job today and we're going to work at it, just like this, each day, and every day. Until we have . . . more jobs."
Bush then flew to Philadelphia to address members of the ASPCA on the issue of dog droppings.