October 26, 2004
Bush To Counter 380 Tons Of Explosive With 500 Tons Of BS
The Bush Administration announced today that it had been stockpiling a toxic substance to fight the news that 380 tons of deadly HMX or RDX explosives had been stolen from a suspected WMD weapons dump sometime after the U.S invasion of Iraq.
"We have over 500 tons of prime, U.S. Government-manufactured weapons-grade BS that we are going to throw at this problem," said Scott McClellan, who has been adding to the U.S. store of BS since he assumed the position of Press Secretary in 2003.
McClellan also said that he was saddened that the U.S. had to rely on its stockpile of BS due to the failure of the Iraqi Interim Government to adequately safeguard the HMX; that the BS that the United States had on hand was enough to ensure that the HMX had not been at the depot when the U.S. took charge of the facility; enabled the U.S. to know not to guard the facility early on in the Iraq war; and convinced him that the U.S. properly decided to guard Iraqi oil fields before they guarded -- or even searched for -- any alleged HMX, if any ever existed.
"See," said McCelllan. "Even a little bit of good BS goes a long way."
Posted by Tom Burka at 12:38 PM
October 25, 2004
God To Bush: Can You Hear Me Now?
A dispute between George W. Bush and Pat Robertson about apparently conflicting messages each of them claimed to have received from God has highlighted what God sees as a major communications problem with some mortals on Earth.
God had apparently intended to warn Bush about heavy casualties in Iraq, but the message was received by Pat Robertson instead, spokesangels revealed today. "It's very, very hard to get through to Bush," one heavenly spokesangel said. "He's extremely insulated."
Although Bush claimed that he had received a message from God about a lack of casualties, a senior archangel who preferred to remain anonymous said that he was unaware of any such message. An investigation by "higher-ups" concerning that alleged message is underway.
"We don't know what Bush heard," said the Archangel. "Sometimes people hear what they want to hear."
Posted by Tom Burka at 11:25 AM
October 22, 2004
New Bin Laden Tape Endorses Kerry, White House Says
The White House today said that they had discovered a new tape purporting to contain a message from Osama bin Laden endorsing John Kerry. On the tape, which has not been made available to reporters, bin Laden says, "I urge all infidels to immediately vote for John Kerry." The CIA said that the message appeared to be authentic, citing the ending of the tape, in which the speaker closes with, "My name is Osama bin Laden, and I approved this message."
"This is precisely what I have been saying all along," said a triumphant Dick Cheney during an interview in his office. "The terrorists want John Kerry to win." Cheney offered no explanation for the presence of a reel-to-reel tape recorder on his desk, except to say that he had just been "catching up on some old Nixon reels."
Update: Apparently the GOP reads this site; they released the tape just 6 days after I wrote this post.
Posted by Tom Burka at 11:11 AM
October 20, 2004
Loofah Actually Quite Abrasive, Says O'Reilly Ex
In a recently filed lawsuit, a Fox News producer, Andrea Mackris, alleged that O'Reilly had sexually harassed her, and described a September phone call in which O'Reilly expressed the desire to "do things with loofahs to her."
Today, Judy Looce, an ex-girlfriend of Bill O'Reilly, reported that she was astonished that Mr. O'Reilly was still using loofahs in his sex fantasies. Looce, a forensic microphone technician, said that she had ended a sexual relationship with O'Reilly in January as a result of what she called "loofah abuse."
"I don't know why he has such a thing for loofahs, but they don't feel good. I don't know why he can't give them up,' she said. "Maybe it's because he's abrasive, too."
Whether threatening a female employee with a loofah massage constitutes sexual harassment is an unsettled question in New York State, where the suit was filed. "But there are some Hawaii divorce cases dealing with loofahs that are definitely helpful to us," a lawyer for Mackris said.
Looce, who is slightly deaf in her left ear, said that early conversations in her relationship with O'Reilly confused her, because she thought he was fantasizing about rubbing her body with "Oompa Loompas."
"I'm sorry I was wrong," she later said. "They might have felt better."
Posted by Tom Burka at 10:04 PM
Poll: Presidential Race Tied At Four Supreme Court Justices Apiece
One Justice Undecided
A recent Gallup/CNN/Newsweek/Time/New York Times/Washington Post/Zogby/Rasmussen Poll of Supreme Court Justices showed that the Presidential race is tied, with 40% of Supreme Court Justices committed to Bush, and 40% for Kerry. 20% of the Court is still undecided. The poll was based on a sample of four people.
The campaigns of both candidates have built to a fever pitch as the field of uncommitted Justices has winnowed to one. Kerry and Bush will be flying from Ohio and New Jersey, respectively, to spend the last days of their campaigns at the Supreme Court. Dick Cheney has been warning Justices about the danger of nuclear armageddon from his post on the couch in Scalia's chambers.
Sandra Day O'Connor has said that she has not decided who she will vote for when the Supreme Court decides the election some time after November 2. (Justice Kennedy has also said that he is undecided, but nobody believes him.) Both campaigns have designated O'Connor's chambers as a "swing vote state."
There is some concern that several members of the Court may not vote at all, but members of the Woman's League of Voters are mounting a Get Out the Vote Drive which is directed, principally, at Justice Thomas.
"This election will turn entirely upon turnout," said Owen Ferlinghetti, a race-car-driver-turned-pundit. "If the Democrats can block Rehnquist's driveway, they have a very good chance of winning this thing."
October 19, 2004
Vaccine Shortage Solution To Social Security Problem, Says Thompson
Secretary of Health and Human Resources Tommy Thompson said today that the flu vaccine shortage was actually a "blessing in disguise" that will solve any problem with Social Security funding in the future.
"John Kerry is complaining that Bush hasn't protected the Social Security trust fund for our children," said Thompson, "And now we're pretty sure that the trust fund will always be around."
Thompson said that the flu vaccine shortage thus demonstrated the kind of "careful, long-range planning" that the Bush Administration brings to bear on difficult problems. "One or two more vaccine shortages, and we'll be able to put away that so-called lockbox," Thompson boasted.
Thompson was ordered to make a statement about the vaccine shortage by Karl Rove, who called to remind him that "sick people vote, too."
"Not if they can't make it to the polls," said Thompson.
Update: Norbizness has turned the whole thing into a vaccine headline flu-fest. Go on over here and submit your own headline (and feel free to add it in my comments, too.)
Posted by Tom Burka at 11:43 AM
October 17, 2004
Gallup Only Poll To Reflect Expected Voter Fraud
Predicts Votes Likely To Be or Not To Be
The Gallup Organization, responding to charges that it greatly over-sampled Republicans in calculating Bush's and Kerry's support among likely voters in its latest poll, said that it did so in order to take into account the massive voter fraud which is expected to take place between now and election day.
According to Gallup, among registered voters, Bush leads 46%-43 %, a virtual tie within the margin of error. Among Gallup's likely voters -- by which they mean, "voters whose votes are likely to be counted" -- Bush will win easily, 52%-44%.
"We're quite surprised that other polling organizations have failed to artificially jack up the Republican sample in the likely voter mix given the track record of Sproul and Associates and their ilk," said Jack Gallup. "Why aren't other pollsters counting the soon-to-be uncounted?"
Gallup was referring to the GOP-funded group that destroyed thousands of Democrats' voter registrations in Nevada and Oregon recently.
"We try to keep track of voter fraud so that we can calculate for it in our polls, but after Nevada, Oregon, New England, South Dakota and Ohio, and Florida, it's hard to keep up," said Lynn Gallup. "We're thinking of just sampling Republicans. It would make our lives a lot easier."
"We expect thousands upon tens of thousands of democratic voters to be methodically disenfrachised --and that's just in Texas. In the swing states, we expect democratic voters to be -- well, rounded up and taken to Texas."
Posted by Tom Burka at 11:06 PM
October 15, 2004
Double Ph.D. Thankful For Opportunity To Attend Community College
Bush Really Pulled Through For Me, Man Says
Here's what Bush said [at Wednesday's debate] in response to a question about what he'd say to a person who had lost his job to someone overseas:
BUSH: I'd say, Bob, I've got policies to continue to grow our economy and create the jobs of the 21st century. And here's some help for you to go get an education. Here's some help for you to go to a community college.
We've expanded trade adjustment assistance. We want to help pay for you to gain the skills necessary to fill the jobs of the 21st century.Walter Hotcakes, a 53-year-old chemical and electrical engineer from Ohio, thanked George W. Bush for the opportunity to attend Owen Community College in Toledo this coming year.
Hotcakes, the recipient of two doctorates in engineering, was laid off when the manufacturing plant at which he had been employed since 1975 went out of business in 2002.
Hotcakes has spent the past two years looking for a job in his field, without success. "But I'm pretty sure, with a degree from this community college, doors will just open for me," Walter said.
The two-year program at Owens will cost Hotcakes $2660.
"I'm trying to make it all work," said Hotcakes, who is looking forward to finding a job that will restore his lost pension, lost health insurance and, perhaps most importantly, his dignity. "These 21st century jobs are exciting. I don't know whether to train to be a policeman, a fireman, or a child care service provider. They even have a program that could help me get a job at Ed Schmidt Pontiac/GMC or Tom's Tire Barn."
Hotcakes was optimistic. "George W. Bush averaged a C- in college, and he did okay," he said. "Then again, he specialized in an area where there's no outsourcing: being a son of the privileged few."
Posted by Tom Burka at 1:04 PM
October 13, 2004
Undecided Voters Frustrated By Deadlines
Undecided voters were frustrated today at what they called the "arbitrary deadline" imposed by Election Day and wondered who had decided they had to make up their minds so soon.
"It wasn't an undecided voter who decided that, that's for sure," said Diana Annoid, an undecided voter from Arkansas.
"The decision between the two candidates isn't easy," said Annoid, "Even though the candidates have very different positions on many different issues, I still have to decide which issues are important to me."
Annoid said that the most important issue for her might be the amount of time that she had to decide who to vote for.
Posted by Tom Burka at 11:51 PM
One Undecided Voter Decides
Other 18% Of Electorate Still Watching Reruns Of Seinfeld
Gerty Wilkins of Compost, Indiana, watched the debate tonight and decided that she would vote for John Kerry because he was "so funny" when he spoke about his wife.
Kerry said that he and Bob Shieffer and George Bush had "married up," but that he had maybe "married up" more than they had in marrying Mrs. Heinz, eliciting much laughter from the debate audience.
Posted by Tom Burka at 11:38 PM
Undecided Voter Gets Caught Up In Clint Eastwood Movie During Debate
Captivated By Rene Russo And John Malkovich, He Says
Bob Flob, an undecided voter in Ohio, missed most of tonight's debate when his channel accidentally landed on TNT and he got "totally sucked in" to Clint Eastwood's film "In The Line Of Fire."
"I was turning on the debate, but when I saw a minute of what I consider to be one of Mr. Eastwood's most underappreciated performances, I found it difficult to turn away," Flob said.
Flob said that he was truly undecided about who to vote for on November 2. "I really feel I haven't heard enough from the candidates about where they stand," Flob said.
"I am certain, however, that Eastwood's use of blues in the movie gave a three-dimensionality to this character that other actors would not have been able to evoke," Flob added.
Posted by Tom Burka at 11:25 PM
October 11, 2004
Cartoon Network To Broadcast "George W. Bush: Big Ass Junkie" Documentary
Cartoon Network announced today it will preempt all regular broadcasting the week before the national election to show a documentary called "George W. Bush: Big Ass Junkie." Cartoon Network says that the movie is "news" and as well sourced as any piece of modern journalism "or anything written by Judith Miller."
Cartoon Network said that, given the current state of political discourse in the country, covering the election fit right in with its other programming. The George W. Bush documentary will follow "Ed, Edd and Eddy," a cartoon about an idiot, a schemer, and a disaffected genius who hang out in their neighborhood looking for pennies.
Cartoon Network said that their decision to broadcast the film had nothing to do with Sinclair Broadcasting's decision to preempt all programming on its 62 stations to show anti-Kerry "documentaries" featuring the Swift Boat "gentlemen" and other "sources."
"But we are tired of Sinclair Broadcasting trying to hone in on the small minds market," admitted Cartoon Network executive Roy Pierce.
Posted by Tom Burka at 8:05 PM
October 9, 2004
Inside The Mind Of The President At Last Night's Debate
A Voter: President Bush, during the last four years, you have made thousands of decisions that have affected millions of lives. Please give three instances in which you came to realize you had made a wrong decision, and what you did to correct it. Thank you.
They think I can't name any mistakes that I made. Well, I didn't make any mistakes. But wait:
Appointees I just now figgered were a mistake:
Paul O'Neil. Mistake.
David Kay. Mistake.
Richard Clarke. Super big mistake.
Paul Bremer. Mebbee kinda mistake.
Bob Woodward. (Not an appointee, but it was kinda a mistake to let him talk to Powell. . . .)
Oh, yeah. Colin Powell.
See, they think I won't admit any mistakes and I thought of six. But that doesn't mean I have to say 'em out loud . . .
President Bush: I made some mistakes in appointing people, but I'm not going to name them. I don't want to hurt their feelings on national TV.
Posted by Tom Burka at 12:05 AM
October 7, 2004
FEC Orders Kerry To Plug Pro-Bush Site In Next Debate
Only Fair, Say Commissioners
The Federal Election Commission has ordered John F. Kerry to inadvertently direct viewers to a pro-George W. Bush website during Friday's town hall debate. On Tuesday, during the Vice-Presidential debate between Dick Cheney and John Edwards, Cheney mistakenly directed viewers to a site that urged visitors not to vote for President Bush, GeorgeSoros.com.
In order to promote balance, commissioners said that "it was only fair" to require John Kerry to address what they called the "fundamental inequity" of allowing Vice President Cheney to advertise pro-Kerry sites during the debate.
Members of the Federal Communications Commission were working with the FEC on the matter. "We have to safeguard the airways, and the airwaves belong to the people," said a comissioner. "Us people."
Initially the Commissioners were unsure of which appropriately pro-Bush site they were going to require Kerry to mention, but by late this afternoon, they had settled on one.
Thanks to the shadowy and mysterious FleeingToTheGreyHavens (nom de web) for the headline and idea.
Below the fold »
After I posted this, but before he read it, FleeingToTheGreyHavens emailed this alternate scenario:
The Federal Election Commission today ordered Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry to mention the website www.foxnews.com every time he disputes a fact alleged by President Bush. Said Commissioner Inmai Hippocket, "It's only fair. After all, Cheney sent everyone to that Soros website. It's just good sportsmanship to return the favor."
Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia agreed,stating that there was already a strong legal precedent for giving Bush every possible advantage--and then some--when it comes to election rules. Justice Clarence Thomas stood by staring slack-jawed for a few moments, apparently awed by this masterpiece of jurisprudence, and then piped in, "Me too. Me too. Count me in guys, OK."
The full account of Cheney's slip can be found here
Update: Kudos go to vigilant reader Michael C. for pointing out problems with the link to factcheck.org.
« I take my satire straight, thank you.
Posted by Tom Burka at 12:56 PM
October 5, 2004
Kerry Tends To Speak "As Though He's Running For Office Or Something," Poll Finds
A recent New York Times/CBS News poll revealed that Americans were forming a more positive image of John Kerry, but were offput by the impression that he was "campaigning for something."
"He seems to know a lot about all kinds of things, and he's obviously very smart," said Eddie Gallico, a commodities broker. "But he seems to running for some office somewhere."
"I like Kerry," said Nancy Glub, a Nevada rocket scientist. "But I feel all this pressure when he speaks, as if he wants me to do something for him in the next thirty days. What's up with that?"
The poll showed that Americans were chagrined by what they called "Kerry's behavior," which they said consisted of traveling all over the country, making tons of speeches, and "hogging nightly news."
Pollster Brian Falsch praised the poll. "It's very important to get inside the minds of American voters." he said. "Although I should warn you, it's more important to be able to find your way back out."
Posted by Tom Burka at 10:18 AM
October 3, 2004
Mount St. Helens Scientists Predict 70% Chance Of Bush Eruption In Next Debate
Experts See Increased Magma Activity, Gas Emissions
Scientists monitoring Washington's Mount St. Helens said today that there is a significant likelihood that George W. Bush will erupt at the next Presidential debate.
"All the signs are there," said Senior Vulcanologist Dr. Chezzlewit Glugner.
Although Bush has lain dormant for much of the past three years, scientists have taken note of some increased activity recently, including much rumbling which followed the last debate. Scientists monitoring Bush have also detected the "rotten egg smell" caused by certain gases emitted from his person, a sign which often precedes an eruption.
"There is definite cause for concern," Glugner said. A Bush eruption is likely to thump bibles all over the county, experts warn.
The reaction among political junkies has been varied. Panic-stricken members of the Washington University Young Republicans' Club were seen running around yelling, "Watch out! He's gonna blow!" Others have travelled great distances to camp out with beach chairs, telescopes, and cameras outside the St. Louis, Missouri hall where the next debate is to be held.
"I'm really looking forward to it," said Audie Madison, a local chiropractor. "I haven't seen a bimbo eruption in years."
Thanks to the always great skippy the bush kangaroo for supplying the idea. Everyone should go visit Skippy right now!
Posted by Tom Burka at 10:47 PM
October 1, 2004
"Spin Room" Tilts Off Axis, Wounding Twelve
In the spin room just outside the debate last night, Karl Rove and other "spinmeisters" spun so furiously that the room tilted off its axis and spun into space, wounding twelve members of the debate audience and stranding pundits and partisan hacks in outer space.
The "spin room" is where partisans associated with each campaign tell the press how spectacularly their man "won" the debate, Republicans saying that Bush hardly gibbered at all, Democrats crowing that John Kerry finished every one of his sentences in less than the two minutes alloted for answers.
The trouble started when Karen Hughes told Wolf Blitzer that John Kerry had turned his credibility gap into a "credibility chasm," and bragged that President Bush had shown that Iraq was "well on its way to freedom."
After Ralph Reed assured Tom Brokaw that the President had intentionally used the phrase "mexed missage" to make a rhetorical point, the room began spinning so furiously that centrifugal force pinioned CNN's Judy Wooduff and several small-time politicians to the east wall of the room.
Shortly thereafter, when Karl Rove told Dan Rather that the President had never been flustered or angry during the debate, but "composed, passionate and hardly orange," the room spun off into space.
The government is organizing a shuttle mission to effect a rescue.
John Phelps, a medical technician from Wyoming, thought a rescue mission was a bad idea. "Leave'em all up there," he said. "They're always in orbit around some body or other, saying stuff that's from outer space. Let's rescue them when they come down to earth."