"Hammer" Will Fit Right In, Says Kim Jong Il

North Korea announced that it was willing to offer besieged former House Majority Leader Tom Delay asylum, saying that, among other things, Kim Jong Il was looking a new right-hand man.

"We could use a Tom Delay here," Kim Jong Il said, "Discipline has been lax around here. We need 'The Hammer'."

Jong Il also noted that he was sympathetic to Delay's plight. "I know what it's like to be a victim of political prosecutions," he said. He described Delay as "under-appreciated in capitalist circles."

Spokesmen for Delay would not comment on the offer, although a source close to Delay said that Delay was intrigued by what he might be able to do if he had control over nuclear weapons.

Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert today appointed Michael Brown, the former director of FEMA, to direct the House's investigation into the failure of FEMA to function adequately when handling the recent disaster in New Orleans.

"We're very serious about really uncovering the problems with FEMA. That's why we've appointed Mike Brown," said Hastert. "Who better to investigate FEMA than the former head of FEMA?" Although Brown has no previous investigatory experience of any kind, Hastert had confidence in him because"he's a longtime college friend of Joseph Allbaugh, one of the President's major fundraisers," Hastert said.

Investigators under Mr. Brown's leadership were raring to go "full speed ahead." Unfortunately, the investigation has been held up by the delay in getting "critical office supplies" to the investigators.

"We're drowning here," said an investigator who wanted to remain anonymous because he has a huge wart on his nose. "The paperwork is overwhelming. We need help."

Nonetheless, precious and crucial items which Mr. Brown had said he would provide to the investigatory team -- such as an "absolutely essential" pallet of paperclips, and forty "indispensible" filing cabinets -- have been mysteriously lost en route to Washington, and 300 bales of paper were accidentally delivered to Miami, according to Mr. Brown. "I am working on getting these materials to the team," said Mr. Brown, who said that local and state authorities had caused the delay.

Despite the delays, President Bush heavily endorsed Mr. Brown's leadership of the investigation. "Brownie's been doing a heck of a job," he said almost robotically, his eyes glazing over as he blinked anxiously.

Also on the investigating committee will be some Federal employees who, while not having experience with investigations previously, used to bowl with George W. Bush in college. "We used to go drunk driving together," said one, who spoke anonymously because otherwise people would know his name.

Ed. Note: This was written before we discovered that FEMA has actually hired Michael Brown as a "consultant" to "evaluate it's [sic] response to Hurricane Katrina." Hat tip to Talking Points Memo. In fact, turns out he was never off of FEMA's payroll.

Would Have Rescued Them If He Had Known They Were There, He Claims

Yesterday the President took responsibility for the poor Federal response to the New Orleans disaster and indicated that, "to the degree that there was a problem with the Federal response," he ultimately was to blame. He explained that he had previously been unaware that there were "so-called poor people" in New Orleans who "might have needed so-called help."

"I have been living in a bubble," the President admitted. "Until very recently, I didn't know that these so-called 'poor people' even existed." An advisor prepared a DVD containing images of poor people for the President to review last week.

The President said that now he was better informed, his administration would immediately move forward to consider ways of communicating and relating to the poor. "I promise we will try to remedy the problem of our insensitivity to poor people. From now on, we will move them places and promise them things and mention them in speeches," he said.

When aides finally briefed the President on the existence of the poor, the President was reportedly quite surprised to discover that some people do not own cars and are often forced to take public transportation, or even to walk or ride bicycles to get places.

"These poor people must be very fit," the President said.

Asked whether he would do anything to lessen poverty, Bush said, "We're certainly going to think about considering that and ask a lot of questions about giving that some thought."

The President later said that he was considering a plan to make stock options available to poor people at discounted prices in order to help welcome them into the ownership society.

But conservative groups have turned [March of the Penguins's] stirring depiction of the mating ordeals of emperor penguins into an unexpected battle anthem in the culture wars. . . .

"Some of the circumstances [the penguins] experienced seemed to parallel those of Christians," one man said of the penguins. "The penguin is falling behind, is like some Christians falling behind. The path changes every year, yet they find their way, is like the Holy Spirit."

Evil liberals announced today that, while conservatives have praised the "March of the Penguins," a documentary chronicling the mating cycle of Emperor penguins in Antarctica as "proof of the divine," and "a parable of christianity," liberals see the film as proof of the ultimate nihlism of the universe.

The movie follows a group of penguins as they trek 70 miles across a harsh and frozen landscape and mate in sub-zero temperatures. When an egg is born, the male penguin sits on it until he either accidentally breaks it or until his mate comes back from an absurdly dangerous journey to bring him food four months later. While the females are gone, the weather becomes, almost impossibly, even worse and the males -- even the most homophobic ones -- have to press themselves together into a ball to have enough warmth to survive. The males are starving and entirely without cable TV or fried snack foods. When the few females that survive the trip return, some of the eggs hatch, producing tiny baby penguins that will have to grow up and endure the same grueling and tortuous life cycle of suffering all over again.

"What kind of God would create a life cycle like that?" said Darby Gorman, a lifelong and staunch liberal. "It's cruel and meaningless." After speaking with reporters, Gorman locked himself in a room where he contemplated the essential tediousness of everything.

Liberal critics are puzzled why prominent conservatives cite the penguins' behavior in the film as making a case for monagamy, even though penguins select a different mate every year. "That's not hard to understand," explained Religion Professor Claude Simpersill. "In this way penguins are just like Republican lawmakers."

"Liberals just don't get it," said Nancy Sunshine, a member of the religious group God's Children and a conservative. "God is speaking to us through this film. The parable of the penguin is the parable of Christians who are struggling to survive in America. If only one of our babies can hatch, we've done well."

Will Ask "Where was I?" and "What was I doing?"

President Bush announced yesterday that he will immediately undertake a comprehensive, exhaustive, and unrelenting investigation into himself, to discover his role, "if any," in the New Orleans disaster.

"I am going to ask tough questions and demand tough answers," Bush told reporters earlier today.

Speaking of the incredible force of the hurricane and the government's ignorance about the need for quick action in its aftermath, Bush said that there were many questions that needed to be answered.

"What did I not know and when did I not know it?" he said.

Bush wanted to know why he failed to act even though the National Weather Service precisely predicted the scope of the disaster a day before it occurred. "I am really at a loss," said Bush. "I guess that Cindy Sheehan thing had me even more rattled then I myself suspected."

Bush said that the investigation was too important a task to delegate to anyone else. "Some things you don't want to delegate to a subordinate or an inferior who might screw things up," he said. "Some things demand leadership."

President Bush said that his present umbrella was "working perfectly" and rejected calls for a new one.

"This umbrella is perhaps one of the finest umbrellas this country has ever had," said Bush, "and I stand firmly behind it."

Critics said that Bush's umbrella was "ineffective, severely flawed, and just as bad as no umbrella at all." In response, Bush said that was "just people playing politics," and that he was not "all wet," as many have alleged.

"That's exactly what you'd expect them to say," said Bush.

Habeeb McKenzie, a former postal worker from Louisiana, said,"Who is he kidding? That umbrella don't work for shit!" He foraged around among his things. "If I had food, water, affordable gas, oil, housing, security, or even a scrap of encouraging news from the rest of my family, I would happily offer you some mail."

Originally published in slightly modified form on June 3, 2004.