The White House has struck a deal to let a corporation owned by the Emir of Dubai operate the United States, anonymous sources revealed today. The deal was struck and vetted after U.S. government officials determined that Dubai would do "a much better job than we're doing."

President Bush did not learn of the plan until yesterday, but ardently criticized opposition to it. He denied that turning over the handling of the U.S. to Dubai would harm America's security. "A knowledge of Arabic and a thorough familiarity with Islam is essential in a post-911 world," said Bush. Other factors that contributed to the coming handover of U.S. oversight to Dubai included its proximity to Iraq, access to large reserves of oil, and familiarity with camels.

Bush said that opposition to the Dubai deal was decidedly racist and anti-Arab. "When I turned over the running of entire wings of the government to American corporations, not a soul complained," he pointed out.

Members of Congress were outraged by the deal, and threatened to put a stop to it altogether. Senators and Congressman on both sides of the aisle brandished legislation banning the deal, swore loudly, and held hearings, after which they completely backed down. Congress was last seen having dinner with several prominent and wealthy members of the Dubai government.

Al-Kalhettyi del Farignio, a spokesman for Dubai, said, "We are very excited about running America. Before we agreed to the deal we inspected America's books, and we can see that, although the country is losing money, operating the U.S. is extremely profitable."

With a hat tip and thanks to Seth Lieberman.

Eyewitnesses: Man Ran Into Cheney's Knife

Vice President Cheney accidentally killed a man during a previous hunting trip, the White House reluctantly confirmed today after denying the incident several times. During a deer hunting expedition on a friend's eight billion dollar ranch, a man "ran into Cheney's knife" several times while Cheney was gutting and dressing a deer, wealthy Republican Party donors and eyewitnesses said.

The man who died was Willford Buchs, a Bush family accountant who "took care of the books" for the Bushes and several Bush companies, and was later appointed Director of the Texas Accounting Commission after the previous commissioner was dismissed for revealing irregularities in the accounting practices of Buchs's clients.

Buchs's death was ruled a suicide by Sen. Dr. Bill Frist, who examined Mr. Buchs by polaroid. Cheney's involvement with the death has not previously been disclosed, although it occurred a little more than a year ago. The incident was uncovered by the press after reporters discovered Buchs's mummified carcass on the ground last week and began asking questions.

Questions have arisen as to why the White House failed to report the incident to the press or the authorities for more than a year. "The Vice President's office deferred to the people who owned the knife that he borrowed for the expedition," said Candy Ricks, a spokesman for the Veep. "It really was up to them." Ricks also maintained that it was not necessary to report the incident to the authorities because the Vice President and his party were authorities, "and very powerful and influential ones, too, I might add."

Ricks denied that Mr. Cheney needed to exercise more caution during hunting trips. "Mr. Cheney is every bit as careful with hunting as he is with civil liberties, foreign policy and democracy," she said.

Chickenhawks at Risk, Among Others

A ban on human-animal hybrids announced by President Bush in his State of the Union address has many senior White House staffers panicked, and the NIH, which has been tasked with enforcing the ban, has already prepared subpoenas for DNA samples for most of the White House staff.

Dick Cheney, who is thought to be a chickenhawk/man, told reporters today that the State of the Union was not intended to be taken literally by anyone. "It's really a rhetorical flourish," he said. Karl Rove, who many people freely attest is "not entirely human," backed up Cheney, saying that almost everything the President said was "unenforceable." Cheney and Rove then retired to the White House dining room where they gnawed on hanging seed sticks and sharpened their beaks.

A White House official, who preferred to remain anonymous because commenting on the genetic makeup of co-workers is frowned upon, said that Donald Rumsfeld, while not necessarily a chickenhawk, was certainly half-man, half-beast.

In this morning's press gaggle, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan found himself denying rumors today that the President himself is "half-man, half-chimp," saying only, "There's just a resemblance." After becoming increasingly defensive, McClellan finally compared the press corps to "a bunch of geese" and left the room.

A poll this morning found that Americans, by and large, are completely unconcerned by events in the White House or on Capitol Hill. According to pollster Melonie Fisk, "On the whole, Americans are more concerned with keeping up with the herd and the coming spring shearing."