AT&T and T-Mobile today announced plans to merge in order to vastly increase their reach and value, spokespeople said.

"Now," explained Shirley Dickinson of AT&T, "we can fail to provide service to twice as many customers as before."

Dickinson's additional comments were unclear, due to poor sound quality. Calls back to Dickinson for clarification were repeatedly dropped.

In person, Dickinson later told reporters that the merger would result in "even more bars in more places," although listeners could not be sure she was not talking about prisons or nightclubs, based on their own experiences with the company.

One real upside of the merger is that the two companies would be able to charge more money for less service, according to an anonymous source, AT&T Vice-President Gil Maddingly. "This is another victory for the American consumer," he said, "because a victory for American Capitalism is a victory for everyone."

He uses Verizon.