November 8, 2006
Sometimes You Have To Go To War With The Defense Secretary You Have, Not The Defense Secretary You Want
We at Opinions You Should Have are very sad to see Donald Rumsfeld -- the perfect satiric target -- leave the Pentagon for greener pastures.
We have mentioned Secretary Rumsfeld many times on these pixeled pages.
Below, some of our favorites.
Posted by Tom Burka at 7:33 PM
Angry Rumsfeld Crushes Reporter's Left Testicle
In a stunning display of his supremacy over the media, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld crushed the left testicle of a reporter as his sole response to what he later said was "an annoying, time-wasting, meaningless question."
The reporter, Daniel Kingsly of The Sacramento Sludge, later said, in tones several octaves higher than usual, that "these are the risks you take as a pool reporter when you ask a question that maybe you shouldn't have."
That morning's press conference started normally. The Secretary took some simple questions regarding the number of troops stationed in and whether Rumsfeld was pleased that the POWs had returned home vefore he called upon Kingsly.
Kingsly asked, "My question is twofold: First, are we really rebuilding or are we just saying that; and, second: If we dictate to the Iraqis the nature of their democratic government, that's not truly democratic, is
There was a pause before Secretary Rumsfeld suddenly reached into the press pool, ripped Kingsly's testicle from his body, crushed it, and held it up for the rest of the press pool to see.
"Ok?" said Rumsfeld. "Any more smart-alecky questions?" He later told the press pool, "Don't think I can't get to an ovary if I have to."
Original story published in slightly different form on April 22, 2003..
Stupid Senseless Deaths Inevitable Part of Stupid, Senseless War, Says Rumsfeld; and
Rumsfeld Inadvertently Sent To Comfort Tsunami Victims, part of something I originally wrote for the New York Times.
Today Rumsfeld Rums-fled. We will remember him. Whether we want to or not.
Posted by Tom Burka at 7:32 PM
November 6, 2006
Prominent Male Hooker Forced To Step Down Amid Accusations Of Sex With Sleazy Evangelical Leader
A prominent male hooker, Dirk Blackman, was forced to give up his position as the head of a large national prostitution ring when it was revealed that he had repeatedly had sex with sleazy evangelical leader Ted Haggard.
Members of the prostitution ring were shocked by the allegations. "There are some things that you don't even do for money," said one man, who gave his name as Johnny Lovehandles, bemoaning Blackman's "intimate physical contacts" with the virulently anti-gay and shamefully untrustworthy pastor.
The Haggard scandal was the latest in a string of revelations concerning male prostitutes fraternizing with conservative right-wing figures, including the bombshell that male exotic dancer Milli Flotilla had turned his Miami dressing room into a secret shrine filled with revealing photographs of Rush Limbaugh and Sen. Bill Frist photoshopped to depict them in compromising scenarios involving Dennis Hastert and a constitutional amendment prohibiting gay marriage.
At first Blackman denied that he had sex with that "theological conman," saying that Haggard had been sent to his Denver hotel room and that he had only gotten a quick sermon. Yesterday Blackman admitted that some of the charges were true, but denied that he had ever supported social security privatization.
Today Blackman is entering the William F. Buckley Clinic for the Sexually Obsessed With Hypocritical Conservatives.
Posted by Tom Burka at 11:58 AM