Hopes For More Inquiries of White House Failures, Disasters

President Bush today spoke of the visit of the 9/11 Commission and their questions about possible government failures leading up to the worst terrorist attack on American soil.

"I enjoyed it," said Bush. "It was the most fun."

The President said that he could not remember why he attempted to block the formation of the Commission or stonewall them completely for much of the time since their creation.

"Nice peoples have pretty ties," he said.

After the meeting, White House staffers took the Commisssioners' notebooks away to see if they contained any classified information that they could redact and reveal later at a politically opportune moment.

"Big people take nice men paper away," Bush said.

After Bush's statements, Vice President Cheney led Bush away with several balls and toys.

The 9/11 Commission's apparent acceptance of President Bush's offer to testify jointly with Dick Cheney has "revolutionized the taking of testimony in courts everywhere," said legal expert Prof. Dozey Doats. . . .

Just when you thought the Commission had grown a spine . . .

In a response to the pentagon's recent statement that today's mammoth exchanges of hostile weapons fire did not mean that the fragile ceasefire negotiated between Iraqi insurgents and the U.S had ended, the International Protocol Evaluation Committee on All Ceasefires (IPECAC) voted the Fallujah ceasefire the "best ever."

Dr. Neb Blimbo explained that while most ceasefires were "outright dull," the ceasefire at Fallujah had been "really spiced up" by the spectacular plumes thrown up by primary and secondary explosions against the night sky.

"Ceasefires are so much more exciting when the parties are absolutely blowing the living crap out of each other," he explained.

Blimbo further explained that the siege of Fallujah still qualified as a ceasefire because the participants "cease firing every ten seconds or so when they have to reload."

Dr. Blimbo's other favorite ceasefires include the Tet Offensive, ethnic cleansing in Bosnia, and Custer's Last Stand.

Karen Hughes, in a withering attack on John Kerry today, complained that it was awful for Kerry to throw away or keep his medals or ribbons from the Vietnam war.

Hughes admitted that she was confused as to whether Kerry had said that he kept his highly prestigious medals, but had actually thrown them away, or the reverse. "I don't care about the facts," she said.

"Whatever Kerry did or didn't do with the medals he earned for saving men's lives in dangerous combat, it's a disgrace," she said. "His so-called defense of this country makes me puke."

"If George W. Bush had earned a medal for anything that he did, you can bet he wouldn't have faked throwing out any award that he would possibly have earned," she said. "If they gave out medals for running out on National Guard duty, for disregarding a direct order, or for practically flunking the National Guard pilot's exam, you can bet the President would have taken a principled stand on them, if he had had any principles."

Hughes derided the bravery and valor that led Kerry to get the medal in the first place. "Anyone can get medals," she said. "It's keeping them or throwing them out that's the hard part."

"I don't know if you can get a medal for driving drunk," she said defiantly, "but if you could, the President would have a whole deskful."

The Bush Administration announced today that the new Iraqi interim government they are to transfer power to on June 30 would not be able to make new laws, regulate spending, control armed forces, or govern, but would be permitted to "take out the trash on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

"They'll have plenty to do," said White House spokesman Scott McClellan.

Only 10 weeks from the scheduled transfer of sovereignty, the White House is still uncertain what form of interim government to create.

"We've been considering a 'caretaker' government, a 'gofer' government, a 'custodial' government, a 'babysitter' government, a 'satellite' government, a 'puppet regime,' a mindless bureaucracy, a 'faux' authority, or a 'complete charade,'" said McClellan.

That "government" would remain in "power" until "elections" are held next year, he stated.

"We want Iraqis to know what it means to be truly liberated, to enjoy complete freedom, and to form the government of their choosing," said McClellan.

"Just not today," he added.

"Even a savage can understand what it means to be free, eh, Powell? Free."

"Yes, Mr. President, sir."

"Democracy is the essence of freedom. In a democracy, the People rule. The People have the say. Or at least, their elected leaders have the say for four years, during which they can do whatever they want."

"Yes, sir."

"Democracy, Powell!"

"Yes, sir."

"These savages will accept democracy over my soldiers' dead bodies! We will not yield! We will stay the course! Everyone is entitled to to freedom, and if those infidels can't understand or accept that, we'll have to make them understand!'

"Yes, sir."

"Are you with me, Powell?"

"Yes sir. I 'll try to be."

"You're either with me or against me, Powell. Which is it?"

"I guess I -- I'm with you, sir. Are there any lies or willful misprepresentations you want to make to the United Nations, sir?"

"Not today, Powell. Now, get out."

Two months before the invasion of Iraq, Secretary of State Colin L. Powell warned President Bush about the potential negative consequences of a war, citing what Mr. Powell privately called the "you break it, you own it" rule of military action, according to a new book.

When Bush ordered military forces to invade Iraq, he reportedly told commanding Gen. Tommy Franks, "Make sure you get a receipt."

Today Bush announced that he wanted to exchange Iraq for "a country that welcomes invading Americans with open arms," and noted that he was "willing to take cash," but Iraqis said that they would probably only give him a credit towards the purchase of a fundamentalist Muslim theocracy.

Bush is also irritated because before he can return Iraq, he will have to wait in line for hours at the Iraqi Department of Customer Service.

Bush is prepared to make an impassioned plea. "The country was already broken when we got it," he will say. Bush will add that the "oilfields have never functioned properly" and complain about "an awful ding" in the "left side" of the country.

"We didn't do that," Dick Cheney is to claim.

Fans of the Fox television show "American Idol" tuned in last night and voted immediately and resoundingly to bounce the President from the show.

"It was a one-note performance," said Terry Ackerly of Dented Fender, New Mexico.

Bush performed "Stay the Course," but, according to some fans, was only capable of repeating the same tired phrases in a jerky, halting manner.

"Sometimes it looked like he had totally forgotten the words," said Ackerly.

Simon Cowell was particularly harsh. "I don't know why you think you have a chance in this business," he told Bush, and called it "perhaps the worst performance of Elton John I have ever witnessed."

Randy Jackson said that he was "disappointed" but that "the vocals weren't there," and added that the President "didn't connect with him." Paula Abdul told the President that "she really liked his tie," but that sometimes he was "awfully smirky and a little pitchy."

"You could be fresher and more sincere," said Abdul.

Also Decried Clinton's Failure To Cover Bare-Bosomed Statues

John Ashcroft, testifying today before the 9/11 Commission, laid the blame for the World Trade Center disaster squarely on the shoulders of President Clinton and his government, stating that "their bizarre adherence to established constitutional protections endangered us all."

Ashcroft, who listed the top priorities of the Department Justice as "eradicating bare breasts from the paintings, sculptures, public parks, and the workplace" and "making good Christian music replace rock and hip-hop on FM radio,' lectured the 9/11 Commission on "how hobbled we all are when we give people these so-called rights."

"Better to be safe and in jail than on the street and in danger," said Ashcroft, decrying all these "individual rights people are having."

Ashcroft also assailed the Clinton for what he called "meaningless dithering" about assasinating foreign nationals.

"They couldn't go and blow bin Laden away," said Ashcroft, speaking of the Clinton administration, "because they kept talking about their high and mighty 'rule of law' thingy-do."

"Like it was all that," he added.

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia has apologized for an incident last week in which a U.S. marshal erased reporters' recordings of a speech Scalia gave to high school students.

As Scalia was apologizing for a previous seizure of the reporters' tapes, he noticed that they were recording his apology, whereupon he ordered federal marshalls to seize the recordings and grind them into dust.

"I have a First Amendment right to destroy the First Amendment rights of others," Scalia later said in a letter apologizing for seizing the recordings of his apology.

In a separate letter, Justice Clarence Thomas concurred.

"I've asked myself a thousand times what more we could have done," Rice said. "I know that had we thought that there was an attack coming in Washington or New York, we would have moved heaven and earth to try and stop it."

A Vet was outside Condi's door this morning and heard this:

Rice: Ok, I must have 15 drafts of this stupid speech, where's the latest one?

Speechwriter: Um, here it is..

Rice: "First of all, I'd like to apologize...." No, no, this is NOT my speech.

Update: Link fixed. Sorry for the inconvenience.

Today President Bush said the situation in Iraq had deteriorated to the point where he had no choice "but to declare war on that country."

"I've just become aware that good people are dying out there. Terrorists run rampant, killing people, blowing up oil pipelines, wreaking havoc, maybe just plain reaking. They've got to be stopped."

Bush said that he had recently learned that since May 1, 2003, Iraq has become the "number one nexus of the terrorist activities in the world," and he called it "the nexus of the axis of evil," speaking from his ranch in Texas.

He said that it was a difficult decision but he had "no choice" given the state of the country at this time.

"Whoever is running that country has allowed it to turn into a hornet's nest that threatens the stability of the Middle East, and with it, the safety and security of the United States, and of the world."

Originally published on August 20, 2003.

It seems strangely relevant today.

Managing Editor Makes Desperate Move To Protect Clinton Legacy

Posting may be lighter this week, as the managing editor will be out of town in order to make sure that the Clinton papers do not fall into the hands of the dreaded 9/11 Commission.

Wish him luck. (Or fill in some comedy while he's on this dangerous mission....)

Rogue Employees Are Top Threat To Nation's Security, Says Rice

Condoleezza Rice and Donald Rumsfeld gave a joint press conference this morning in which they announced that the greatest threat to the nation's security are "rogue employees" that "threaten to undermine the security and confidence of the nation."

Rumsfeld stressed the importance of building an "impenetrable shield" to stop these former employees from "compromising our future."

Rumsfeld estimated that the shield could cost anywhere between 10 and 100 billion dollars, although private White House estimates place the cost of the shield at 500 billion.

"These disaffected employees have large, terrible axes to grind and if we cannot disarm them, then we must guard against them" said Rumsfeld.

"We are not going to stand idly by and watch revisionists threaten the safety of our nation," said Rice.

A White House aide trusted with sensitive national security information was detained in a "safe house" for weeks after he accidentally ordered a "no-holds-barred, resurrected, non-functioning ICBM missile shield" instead of a double-shot no foam nonfat latte at a D.C. Starbucks in early September of 2001.

"It was a natural mistake," the aide, Kenneth Katonka III, said. "At the White Hosue and Pentagon we ate, drank, and slept missile shields. So I ordered one."

"Yes, we wanted a $100 billion missile shield," said Rumsfeld. "But I also wanted a latte. Mr. Katonka got the orders confused."

News of Katonka's detention reignited the firestorm burning in Washington over whether the Bush Administration incompetently missed the boat in predicting that the worst threat to America would be Saddam Hussein's development of huge nuclear missiles that could threaten the United States.

"So we were a little off," said Rumsfeld.

Condy Rice denied that there was much emphasis on a missile shield, despite a speech she was scheduled to make on September 11, 2001 making the creation of a missile shield to protect the U.S. against "rogue ICBM's" the cornerstone of U.S. national security policy.

"Mr. Katonka's account is simply, completely, utterly false," she said. "I wanted a caramel machiatto."