Rove's Departure To Cause Drooling, Loss of Motor Function, Say Docs

Faced with the imminent departure of White House Political Director Karl Rove, otherwise known as "Bush's Brain," White House officials acknowledged that the President will be effectively lobotomized.

Aides said that even the President's basic motor functions would suffer upon Rove's departure. "It will be difficult for the President to lift a finger without having Karl there to tell him how to do it," said Monica Kressky, a White House aide.

Should the White House fail to find a replacement for Mr. Rove, doctors said, it may become necesary to put the President on life support, as even his ability to control autonomic and entirely unconscious activities such as breathing or denying that the Iraq war is a total disaster may become impaired.

Indeed, the possibility that Bush might have to make decisions without a political motive has many White House members panicked. "We're terrified," said one aide, "The President might have to base policy decisions on what the greater good would be for the American people."

Republican Senate Minority Leader John Boehner agreed. "Proposing real solutions to real problems?" He shuddered. "This could mean the end of the GOP as we know it today."