Purported War with Iran Just a "Spirited Discussion," Says Vance

Massive Bombing of Iranian Oil Tankers Merely "Love Taps," He Claims

Vice President J.D. Vance recently denied that the U.S. and Iran were involved in a war, saying, "It's just like when Mommy and Daddy are having a little argument."

The most intense fighting between the two countries, in which Iran attacked several U.S. warships and the U.S. "kicked the living shit" out of three Iranian oil tankers (according to Pete Hegseth) was just a prelude to "Mommy and Daddy making up," and had no bearing on the predicted onset of massive famine and continuing damage to the world economy.

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"Extreme" Kissing of Trump’s Ass Leads to Intestinal Blockage

Trump’s Colon Critically Impacted With Mike Johnson, Jeff Bezos, and Possibly Mitch McConnell, Doctors Fear

Doctors have discovered an almost fatal blockage in President Trump’s colon caused by the large number of Republicans and others climbing into his anus head-first in their “delirious pursuit of favor,” according to a staffer who shall remain anonymous, Chief of Staff Susan Wiles.

An investigatory panel headed by Kash Patel alerted doctors after Patel discovered what he believed to be the remains of Mitch McConnell “up the President’s butt.” Mr. Patel invited the panel to the president’s rear when he uncovered a suspiciously turtle-shaped carcass on one of his forays into the “regal nether regions,” said departing Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt, who was busy pulling the intestines of reporter Glenn Kessler through a hole she had gouged in Kessler’s abdomen.

President Trump himself boasted that “many fine people want to crawl up my ass,” adding, “There are so many. So many.”

Shortly thereafter, Trump announced on Truth Social the construction of an additional “wing” of his colon. “I am now building a spectacular GOLDEN COLON DOME, an Abdominal Annex bigger and better than the World has Ever Seen!!!!!”

“This is why he needs the Ballroom,” said Karoline Leavitt, chewing fiercely, “Once he builds that abdominal expansion, he’s going to have to have someplace to sit.”

Trump to Extend Wall to Strait of Hormuz

Will Eliminate Need for Naval Blockade

In what he called a “stroke of my brilliance,” Trump has ordered that the wall he constructed on the southern border of the United States be built out until it reaches the Strait of Hormuz. “We’ll have a big gate,” Trump said, “And maybe some of those towers on either side.” Some staff members said he was also thinking of a drawbridge. “And you don’t need a moat, because the ocean is already there,” Trump mused.

Trump said that his wall would allow the U.S. to control the Strait of Hormuz and put pressure on Iranians to turn the entire country over to him, and maybe pay him a “couple of billion.”

Democrats noted that the extension of the wall was impractical, because, among other things, it would cost billions and would take years. “That’s over 7000 miles!” said Senator Chuck Schumer (D - NY), during a breakfast of stewed prunes. The White House countered by saying that no-bid contracts and skilled builders who had worked on Trump’s golf courses would be able to complete it in no time.

Trump Hits a -5 on 18 Holes of Golf

Claims his results are consistently sub-par

President Ttump boasted on Truth Social today that he had scored a -5 after playing 18 holes at his golf course in West Palm Beach. “It’s truly the most astonishing achievement in the history of the game,” he boasted, adding, “You know what was hard? Reducing drug prices by -1000 percent. Not hard? Hitting a -5. Barely had to get out of the golf cart.”

Several onlookers claimed that Trump had not, in fact, gotten out of his golf cart on many of the holes, but whizzed right by them as though racing toward a cheeseburger.

Some questioned Trump’s pronounced results, noting that the President had occasionally miscalculated in circumstances that “involved math,” “compared facts,” “assessed a situation,” or “recounted things.”

Trump Disguised as Massive Pile of Veal Cordon Bleu for Secret Extraction from Turkey

Panicked White House executives struggled to respond to what was deemed an imminent threat by Iran to attack Air Force One moments before Trump was scheduled to fly out of Turkey after a NATO summit last month.

Initially Trump refused to leave his Qatar-gifted gilded Air Force One, saying, “I’m going to put a chandelier here, I’m going to put gold trim all over the place,” until Marco Rubio and Karoline Leavitt successfully lured him onto the more secure old Air Force One with twelve McGriddles placed in the left-side entrance door of the airplane. Staff then threw a hastily procured tarp labelled “Veal” over Trump and stuffed him into a catering container lifted onto the right side of the plane.

Trump was then transferred to a C-32A military plane, according to staff members who wished to remain anonymous because people would be severely pissed if they learned they were briefing news media about tarps labelled “Veal” and other sensitive security issues.

Democrats Still Divided Over How to Sink Party

Debate is Whether To Act Now As A Majority Or Wait Until Dems Lose Power After MidTerms

Democrats remain fiercely divided on how to rid themselves of the prospect of achieving the party’s goals, with moderates arguing that the best course of action is to try not to get anything done now until they can’t get anything done after losing power in 2022.

Senators Joe Manchin and Kristin Sinema refuse to move legislation forward or abolish the filibuster because it would make it harder for them to take millions of dollars from corporations interested in blocking progressives’ progress. “I think we have to be bipartisan, and by that, I mean we have to let Republican partisans have their way and block everything, ” said Manchin at a D.C. bank, where he was depositing several enormous checks from oil and gas companies. “I stand on principle.”

Kristin Sinema was unavailable for comment because she was at one of her own fundraisers, where she lingered at the open bar, “drunk with power,” Arizona constituent Dale Bledsoe muttered.

In the House, moderate Democrats were in favor of being “proactive” by demanding concessions from President Biden instead of waiting for Republicans to do so. “We’ve got to get out in front of this thing,” said Rep. Filemon Vela (D-Tex.), who continued to claim that Filemon is a real name.

After Taliban Takeover, U.S. Intelligence to Start Taking “Cognitive Enhancers”

U.S. Intelligence has begun taking “NooTropics,” CoQ-10, and, on the advice of Mayam Bialik for Neuriva. “Our brain isn’t functioning the way it used to,” said a spokesman. “We keep forgetting where we left our keys, and we keep misplacing our iPhones, and then we can’t remember our iCloud password so we can’t even get the phones to make that pinging sound which appears to be coming from everywhere in your apartment instead of the one place the phone actually is. And then we forgot about Afghanistan completely.”

US Intelligence is also planning on scheduling a colonoscopy and seeing an orthopedist because of this weird pain in its knee.

Some have noticed that U.S.Intelligence, which collectively produces intelligence from many government entities, has been limping and favoring its right leg from time to time. Joseph Hunter, a foreign policy expert and foot doctor noted “U.S. Intelligence may well be in need of a walker.”