Doctors have discovered an almost fatal blockage in President Trump’s colon caused by the large number of Republicans and others climbing into his anus head-first in their “delirious pursuit of favor,” according to a staffer who shall remain anonymous, Chief of Staff Susan Wiles.

An investigatory panel headed by Kash Patel alerted doctors after Patel discovered what he believed to be the remains of Mitch McConnell “up the President’s butt.” Mr. Patel invited the panel to the president’s rear when he uncovered a suspiciously turtle-shaped carcass on one of his forays into the “regal nether regions,” said departing Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt, who was busy pulling the intestines of reporter Glenn Kessler through a hole she had gouged in Kessler’s abdomen.

President Trump himself boasted that “many fine people want to crawl up my ass,” adding, “There are so many. So many.”

Shortly thereafter, Trump announced on Truth Social the construction of an additional “wing” of his colon. “I am now building a spectacular GOLDEN COLON DOME, an Abdominal Annex bigger and better than the World has Ever Seen!!!!!”

“This is why he needs the Ballroom,” said Karoline Leavitt, chewing fiercely, “Once he builds that abdominal expansion, he’s going to have to have someplace to sit.”