Donald J. Trump issued an executive order today, calling today's elections, an "illegal midterm abortion" of his presidency and mandating the closure of all polling locations in the United States.

"I'm pro-life," Trump said. "Specifically, my political life."

Trump sent the Illinois National Guard to Texas, the Iowa State Guard to California, and ScotchGuard to one of the couches in the Oval Office. "We won't speak of what happened there," Trump said.

Local and state authorities besieged the Federal Court system with lawsuits which Trump attempted to immediately stop with what he called a "class action double emergency order" before the Supreme Court. However, in the confusion of a White House imperiled by "almost certain democracy," the Supreme Court received an order for 24 Big Macs, and a Macdonalds employee at a D.C. drive through was smothered by a massive delivery of writs.